Stuart: How much do you need?
Sheldon: For a start, I'm trying to raise $500,000.
Stuart: Well, I hope you have that rare Superman printed on the skin of actual Superman.

Sheldon: Hey, Stuart, I'd like to sell some comic books.
Stuart: Oh. Well, I know all about that. Step one is flunk out of art school.

Stuart: Oh the funniest thing happened today. You know the, uh, receipt tape in the cash register? It ran out. I didn't even know it could do that.

Stuart: Got another follower. I'm blowing up.
Howard: Great. How many does that make?
Stuart: High double digits.
Sheldon: The nineties?
Stuart: Mid double digits.

Stuart: I am really sorry. I will make it up to you. But it won't be with a Val Kilmer Batman figurine (laughing) because some sucker's buying that right now. [to the customer] (laughs) Not you. This is great.

Stuart: You guys want to see a real star, look over here.
Leonard: What?
Stuart: I just got retweeted by Patton Oswalt's brother.

Grant: So, this is really where Neil Gaiman shops?
Stuart: Neil Gaiman, Nicolas Cage, Natalie Portman. The list goes on.
Grant: They all come here?
Stuart: Unless I'm lying.

Stuart: Listen to this. I-I was ringing up a customer, and I heard someone say, "Hey, there's a line," and I looked, and there was.

Leonard: What about Wonder Woman's bracelets?
Raj: Good point. Strong as a metal and fierce as a fashion choice.
Neil Gaiman: You know, Thor's hammer's pretty powerful, and in the comics, it's made out of enchanted uru.
Stuart: Uh, yeah, I think it's the enchantment that's powerful, not the uru, but, uh, thanks for playing.

Sheldon: You know what? Just give me a copy of Action Comics 1000, and I'll be on my way.
Stuart: Sorry. All out.
Sheldon: Now you just let people come in and buy them? I didn't realize your soul was also for sale.
Stuart: Well, it wasn't, but, uh, make me an offer.

Howard: Do you know who she is?
Stuart: Oh, sure, yeah. That's Cynthia.
Raj: Wha s-so, she's a customer?
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, but I-I haven't seen her in a while. And before you say anything, there is a lot of reasons women stop coming here. It's not just me.

Stuart: A little tip. Uh, stick with the smiles you know.

Stuart: How are you ladies doing? Raise your hands if you're bueno. Me llamo Stuart Bloom.

Amy: Where you off to?
Stuart: El parque.
Amy: El parque?
Stuart: I'm learning Spanish so I can talk to the other nannies.
Amy: How's that going?
Stuart: Bueno.
Amy: Good?
Stuart: Oh. No bueno.

Bernadette: Bye, my babies, I love you.
Stuart: (high-pitched) We love you, too, Mommy.
Bernadette: Yeah, don't do that.