Amy: The more I told him about my lab, the pissier he got. You know what he said to me? He said, "I hope all your correlations turn out to be specious."
Bernadette: He said that to your face? What a dick.

Bernadette: She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard: And are you?
Bernadette: No, because I'm engaged to a putz! You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.
Howard: Well, based on the available evid-
Bernadette: Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard: Where are you going?
Bernadette: (sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz) To the toilet! Is that okay with you?

Bernadette: All right. Here you go. Two lemonades, one iced tea and a root beer for Priya.
Priya: Is it diet?
Bernadette: That's what you ordered.

Bernadette: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
Penny: Oh, please, you're not that kind of person.
Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat I'll totally give her the full-fat version.

Bernadette: How do I put this? She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part. Or a cat, or a willow.
Leonard: I can't believe she would say that about me.
Bernadette: If you're gonna cry about it there's tissues in my purse. Unless you got some in yours, big willow.

Bernadette: So, I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out, I started to dry off with what I thought was a towel but turned out to be Howard's mom's underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Penny: It's just, he's so passionate about so many different things. I just don't get that way. Do you?
Bernadette: Well, sure. I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms. It was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.

Leonard: Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
Penny: Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
Waiter: How is everything tonight?
Bernadette: Really uncomfortable.

Leonard: I hope you're hungry, Bernadette. We're going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab, watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.

Leonard: I think you'll find my work pretty interesting. I'm attempting to replicate the dark matter signal found in sodium iodide crystals by the Italians.
Beverly Hofstadter: So, no original research?
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, what's the point of my seeing it? I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.

Bernadette: You know, I met a really cute girl at work. She's married to a guy in one of our drug trials.
Penny: Well, hello? She's married.
Bernadette: Yeah, but her husband is in serious congestive heart failure, and a little birdie told me he's in the placebo group.
Penny: Okay, so future grief-stricken widow is the one to beat.

Amy: So, Bernadette, how's the wedding planning going? And I'm not asking as a prospective bridesmaid. Pick me! Pick me!
Bernadette: We went cake-tasting yesterday. Raj came along. He cried and ate half the samples.

Penny: You know, this is wrong. Let's put everything back. Here.
Bernadette (taking boots and running): It's okay, I serve soup to poor people!

Penny: Will you go with me?
Bernadette: To do what? Shake a can of nickels at them?

Penny: Do you really think there's reason to worry?
Leonard: Yeah, she's definitely going after Sheldon.
Raj: I made a play for her and she shot me down.
Penny: All right, well, that doesn't prove anything.
Bernadette: Yeah, there's a million reasons a woman would shoot Raj down.
Raj: Like, really, a million?
Bernadette: Fine, hundreds.
Raj: Thank you.