Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard: I'm taking a bath.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing, we share that tub.
Howard: Don't remind me.

Howard: All right, playtime's over. Let's open this baby up.
Sheldon: Won't that void the warranty?
Howard: Sheldon, I have a master's degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare. That pays for itself in the long run.

Howard: Oh, man. This is the boutineer from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.
Bernadette: Did she throw anything away?
Howard: No. If I find my foreskin, I'm gonna kill myself.

Raj: Sit, you look like you've had a long day.
Howard: Naw, she always looks like that. ... Because she married an idiot.

Leonard: How's your mom holding up?
Howard: She's okay, but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many's that now?
Howard: Two, and I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.

Howard: May I say something?
Bernadette: Is it about how I can't have new wallpaper 'cause your dad left when you were little and your mom died?
Howard: Never mind.

Howard: Why're you being so quiet? You upset or are you just rebooting?

Howard: By the way, where did you get that loofah mitt? Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
Penny: You used my loofah?
Howard: More precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!

Sheldon: Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so I'm trying to find something beloved of hers and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn't enough?

Howard: I think you broke the dowels. You're not gonna have time to glue it back on. You'll have to nail it.
Raj: With what?
Howard: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
Raj: She does.
Howard: Great. Neither of those. Try a hammer!
Raj: Did that feel good? You feel like a big man now?

Howard: Damn it! I should've gone over and told her we were back.
Raj: Yeah, it was first come first serve.

Howard: [Chuckles] Look at that. There's finally a woman in your life you can talk to.

Howard: Come on, one day this may double in value and be worth half what I paid for it!

Raj: Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes The Sound of Music?
Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music.

Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.