Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Leonard: All right, maybe I overreacted. So we're in two different places emotionally. So what? And maybe I'm a little ahead of you. That's fine. You know. In fact, it makes sense, 'cause let's face it, I've been in this relationship two years longer than you.

Alex: So, do you have any plans this weekend?
Leonard: Well, most of Saturday's gonna be figuring out where to put this game when we're done.

Leonard: Hey, pretty lady.
Penny: Oh, you seem extra happy.
Leonard: Uh, I guess I am.
Penny: Any particular reason why?
Leonard: I don't know, just having a good day. This morning Sheldon fell asleep on the way to work, so I got to listen to the radio. That was pretty crazy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Anything else?
Leonard: Mm. I found this quiz online called "Which Star Trek Character Are You?" and it only took me four tries to get Captain Kirk.

Leonard: And the one thing that could make it even better is an evening with my special girl.
Penny: Oh, and who's that?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Penny: Oh, I just didn't know if you meant me or Alex.
Leonard: Um, why would I mean Alex?
Penny: Because I know she hit on you and I know you liked it.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Don't play dumb with me, Ricardo Shilly-Shally!
Leonard: I'm missing something.

Sheldon: Is that a dog?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: In the lab?
Leonard: Yes. They're training dogs to operate the centrifuge for when they need dogs to operate the centrifuge for blind scientists, I have to go.

Howard: There's a Planet of the Apes marathon at the New Art today.
Leonard: Five movies, two hours apiece. It's a start.

Penny: So, what are you guys doing?
Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day.
Leonard: We're watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. ... They were all written by Chris Columbus.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon: Well, is that really necessary? If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard: It's not about money.

Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you're lucky, maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.

Leonard: You brought your husband to work, you know the rules. Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.

Leonard: Hey, you want to talk about not getting love from a parent. You know what I used to do when I was little to have some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Of course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was gonna say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.

Penny: Get out!
Leonard: She said shush. I should have shushed.

Sheldon: That's over the wheelbase. Are you completely unfamiliar with the suspension characteristics of a pre-1980 Pullman-built Superliner Deluxe passenger coach?
Leonard: Sheldon, we've been on this train 90 seconds, and you've already said a thousand words. Just tell us where to sit and shut up.

Sheldon: Here. I'm hoping once you reap the endorphic rewards of the steady clickety-clack of steel wheels on polished rails, your sour disposition will abate.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables and putting their seat-backs in an upright position 'cause it's time to land in San Francisco.