Leonard: I'm not going anywhere. Penny and I are very happy living together. Isn't that right?
Penny: It's like the happiness won't ever leave the apartment.

Penny: Oh, this is the best. You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday, you got a problem. You do it on the weekend, you got brunch.

Penny: So then during the afternoon shift, I spilled an entire tray of drinks on myself.
Leonard: Oh, that's awful.
Penny: Not really. My shirt was soaking wet. I got like the biggest tip of my life.

Penny: Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: Uh, he's not gonna be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh, sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub.

Raj: Thanks again for letting me crash girls' night.
Penny: Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less.
It's a joke. Based on real events.

Leonard: Well, this time it's going to be different. Because I am like a romance ninja. You don't see it coming and then, bam, romance. Watch out! Hearts, kisses, love, ooh-ya!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do something like that.

Leonard: It's a bachelor party. There could be strippes. Wouldn't that make you jealous?
Penny: Come on, Leonard, it's you. What's going to happen? I mean, even if there is a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with homework.

Penny: Well, have fun tonight.
Leonard: Oh, I will. There is no telling what might happen.
Penny: Yes, there is.

Penny: Okay, just to be clear. You are asking me for help because I know something that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn't.
Sheldon: I suppose that's one way to look at it.
Penny: I think it's the only way to look at it.

Penny: Hey, can I stay here tonight?
Leonard: Shh, Sheldon's asleep. What's going on?
Penny: Well, Howard's a complete and total ass, Bernadette's in my bed, and no matter how much you stroke Amy's hair, she bites.

Penny: Sweetie, let me put this in a way you'll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up.

Sheldon: I need access to the Cheesecake Factory's walk-in freezer.
Penny: Now, honey, I already told you, the hamburger meat is fresh and stored at a safe temperature.

Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you're always full of fun little facts. Where did the expression get your ass handed to you come from?
Sheldon: Don't know.
Penny: I wonder if it's from like ancient Rome where they'd actually chop somebody's ass off and then go, here. You know, to appease Loseroneous, the God of losers.

Penny: He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.
Bernadette: Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
Penny: Wouldn't help. Zack couldn't even spell NPR.