Raj: Oh, you bought cookies?
Sheldon: Yes, fig newtons. I was going to ask which scientist both helped to discover calculus and had a famous cookie named after him. And then after someone said Newton, I was going to tell them they're wrong. The cookies are named after a town in Massachusetts. And then I'd throw the cookies away.

Amy: And this is Dr. Gundersen from Stockholm.
Sheldon: Ah, Sweden. Home of my favorite Muppet and second-favorite meatball.
*Dr. Gundersen and Amy look blankly at Sheldon*
Sheldon: Okay, the Nordic reputation for a lack of humor is well founded. Boy, is his name Gundersen or No-fun-dersen?

Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I've heard today.
Sheldon: I'd imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work, you undoubtedly heard: Hello, Raj; How are you, Raj; and given you're wearing a new sweater vest, you may have heard: "New Sweater Vest" and possible, though less likely "Nice Sweater Vest."

Amy: Hello.
Sheldon: Hi.
Amy: Ready for the aquarium?
Sheldon: I am. You know, and in an effort to reduce awkwardness as we learn how to function as friends, I printed out a list of safe topics for polite conversation.
Amy: If that makes you more comfortable.
Sheldon: If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, lists would be on the top of that list.

Sheldon: Okay, I know you're texting about me and I'd really like you to stop.

Sheldon: Well, in addition to Amy leaving me, Leonard's moving in with Penny. It's difficult not to feel abandoned.
Bernadette: Well, why don't you look at this as an opportunity? You had other roommates before Leonard. Maybe this is a chance to find someone new.
Sheldon: Perhaps I could find someone better than Leonard. Someone I can rub in his face.
Chris Pratt's all the rage right now. I wonder how he'd feel about taking the smaller bedroom.

Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn't need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They're not supposed to, but they should.

Sheldon: Thank you for letting me come speak with you.
Bernadette: Of course.
Sheldon: As my relationships with Penny and Amy are currently strained, I'm turning to you for female comfort and encouragement.
Bernadette: Aww, I'm honored.
Sheldon: I tried reaching out to my mother, but she was in Bible study. Leonard's mother is on a book tour. My Mee-Maw was taking a nap. And after a while Siri started repeating her answers.
Bernadette: So, I'm your seventh choice.
Sheldon: Yeah, I know, top ten. Pretty exciting.

Sheldon: Well, I hope you're hungry.
Amy: Oh, I'm starving.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Starvation is authentic to the time period. If you also have malaria and a deep distrust of Native Americans, we're really cooking with a woodstove.

Amy: It would make me so happy if you said things like that.
Sheldon: We got an 8.2. Trust me, you're happy.

Amy: I'm just saying, if you think the work is interesting, nothing else should matter.
Sheldon: You're right, Amy. That is sage advice. Which is surprising, considering your momma is so dumb, she-
Amy: (Gets up and leaves) Nope.
Sheldon: (After Amy's gone) She studied for a urine test. (chuckles)

Leonard: You didn't lose anyone when you met Amy.
Sheldon: The study refers to romantic partners. That's not the way I would categorize the two of us.

Sheldon: You know it's still your birthday.
Amy: (chuckles) It is.
Sheldon: And we are both feeling better.
Amy: We are. And there's no one in that bounce house.
Sheldon: Great. Let's go jump for a bit, and then find a bedroom to have coitus in.

Stuart: How you two feeling?
Sheldon: Oh, a little better. Those books should have been called Little Outhouse on the Prairie.

Sheldon: If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract, I'd like to tell you about thirteen plucky colonies that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. constitution. And it may not be cool to say so, but I think that love affair's still pretty hot today.