Bernadette: Why'd you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed mommy, and ran grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.

Amy: I was proposing massaging your muscles with your own hands.
Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.

Sheldon: If you're going to replace Wolowitz, I need to know a little bit more about you.
Stuart: All right.
Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background?
Stuart: I went to art school.
Sheldon: Equally ridiculous. Let's go.

Howard: (Repeating what Raj says) You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That's an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: No, it won't.

Sheldon: What's the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: Uh, radon?
Sheldon: Are you asking me or telling me?
Leonard: Telling you?
(Sheldon gives Leonard a stern look)
Leonard: Telling you.

Sheldon: I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also it's really scary.

Sheldon: What an elf I would've made.

Sheldon: Good Lord how you frustrate me Leonard Hofstadter!

Howard: No, we can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard: What makes you think I can convince her?
Howard: You got her to have sex with you. Obviously, your superpower is brainwashing.
Leonard: Okay, let me see if I understand this. You want me to convince my ex-girlfriend to go to a costume party with her new boyfriend just so we can win a stupid prize?
Sheldon: Yes. And make her wear the black wig. Good luck.

Cop: Your friend called 911 to report a robbery.
Leonard: Oh, my God, what did they get?
Sheldon: What didn't they get? They got my enchanted weapons, my Vicious Gladiator armor, my Wand of Untaimed Power and all my gold.

Sheldon: All games are made up. They're not found in nature. You don't just dig in the ground, and come across a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds. Crystalized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon, in the form of charcoal brickets, which they toss in their barbecues and set on fire. But just because you have some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.

Leonard: So now let's bring out theoretical physicist, Dr, Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can't also happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?

Bernadette: I like the Wii.
Sheldon: Thanks, Grandma.

Sheldon: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin. I'd just like to say there's absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means - and again, no insult intended - you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.