Raj: Here you go.
Stuart: Thank you.
Raj: Shall we toast?
Stuart: To Howard and Bernadette, and the house key they never asked me to return.

Raj: So how's your apartment?
Stuart: Not great. The electricity's out.
Raj: So why don't you get it fixed?
Stuart: I called, and they're like, "Pay your bill!"

Raj: What time do you and Bernadette head out?
Howard: As soon as I get home. We're hoping to make it before dark.
Raj: I've never been to Palm Springs.
Stuart: Oh, you should go. It's terrific. I really thrive anywhere the women and the temperature are over 90.

Stuart: Nice to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter. I'm, uh, Leonard's friend, Stuart.
Beverly Hofstadter: Nice to see you, too.
Stuart: Hi, I'm Stuart.
Alfred Hofstadter: Ooh, I'm Alfred, Leonard's father.
Stuart: Oh! Oh, hi. Uh, I'm sorry, did you two want to sit together?
Beverly Hofstadter: No!
Alfred Hofstadter: No!
Stuart: I was wondering why the front row was available.

Howard: Look, something's going on with Bernadette. She say anything to you?
Stuart: Well, nope, not a word.
Howard: Come on, be honest. Did you tell her I tried her breast pump?
Stuart: No, but I did mention it to my therapist.

Bernadette: Nobody needs a mooch living in their house forever.
Stuart: Hey, that's no way to talk about your baby.

Stuart: Okay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.

Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I'd like to, but I'm a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I'll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
(After Raj leaves)
Stuart: I could do worse.

Leonard: You know, it's not exactly glamorous up there. The water that the astronauts drink is made from each other's recycled urine.
Stuart: Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me.

Sheldon: I've loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it's been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.
Leonard: Sheldon, we're working here!
Sheldon: That's all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls the plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.
Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.
Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?
Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.
Sheldon: Dont beat around the bush, Leonard. If you dont want me here, just say the word, and Ill leave.
(cut to Sheldon in the hallway outside the apartment)
Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.

Stuart: Anyone else need anything before I go?
Howard: I'll give you a dollar if you make fun of Raj.
Stuart: That's mean.
Howard: Five.
Stuart: You look like Tigger if Tigger looked like a jackass.
Howard: Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know.

Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don't understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: Oh, I'm not upset with you. But Amy's pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Stuart: You're darn right it's fair play, you selfish jerk.

Amy: What are you doing here? You're not Sheldon.
Stuart: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.

Amy: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart: No, it's not like that. There's a long line he'd rather stand in. So what are we doing? Old Navy, Build-A-Bear? I get paid either way.
Amy: We're not going shopping together.
Stuart: You sure? I'm happy to hold your bag. And Sheldon gave me money for a hotdog on a stick.
Amy: Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now?
Stuart: Look, lady, I just work here.

Howard: If you really care that much, there are apps now that'll let you hire people to do stuff like errands and wait in lines.
Stuart: People are actually waiting in lines as a job? Boy, makes me feel better about my life.
Howard: Some of these guys make over $20 an hour.
Stuart: And now I feel worse again.