Raj: Oh, that's Claire. Got to run.
Leonard: I thought you were back with Emily.
Raj: Uh, actually I'm seeing both of them.
Leonard: You mean like through their window from behind a bush?

Leonard: Look, Sheldon, you were a jerk to Bert, and he walked away from you. So I feel like there's a lot he could teach me.

Penny: So, what are you thinking for dinner?
Leonard: Well, it's Thai food night.
Penny: Well, honey, you don't live with Sheldon any more. You can have anything you want.
Leonard: You're right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue?
Penny: How about Thai food?
Leonard: Oh, thank God.

Sheldon: All right, now all that's left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.
Penny: What's the matter?
Leonard: It's harder than I thought.
Sheldon: Let me help you. L-E-O-N-
Leonard: That helped!

Leonard: Hi, I'm calling about your marriage counselling services and I was curious what your rate is.
Really?
Uhm, okay, is there any kind of discount for length of marriage? We're talking hours here.

Leonard: Oh, yeah. We did it without you.
Sheldon: And do you remember what happened next?
Howard: Your mom called my mom and said we were being mean?
Sheldon: And after that?
Howard: You said that someday we'd regret this.
Sheldon: And do you know what today is?
Leonard: The day we found out we're rich and none of it is yours? (Leonard, Howard and Raj high-five)

Penny: Have you ever thought about talking to some kind of therapist about all this?
Raj: Ugh. Maybe. Hey, Leonard, do you think your mom would be available?
Leonard: Yeah, you don't want to do that. Talking to my mom to get more confidence is like talking to a lion to get more alive.

Sheldon: Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?
Stuart: Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.
Howard: Why are you smoking meat?
Leonard: And why are you reading Aquaman?
Sheldon: I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.
Howard: Wow, well, that's actually really sweet.
Leonard: The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.

Amy: Well, I just took your side 'cause sometimes I get annoyed at how close Sheldon and Penny are.
Leonard: Well, they argue all the time. They aren't that close.
Amy: Whos always comforting him when he's upset?
Leonard: Penny, but-
Amy: Who's the only one who can make him take his medicine when he's sick?
Leonard: I try to hide it in his peanut butter, but he spits it out.

Sheldon: What, why did you get a party sub?
Leonard: People are coming over, it looked fun.
Sheldon: Well, we're only watching Game of Thrones. A party sub implies it's a party.
Leonard: Your attendance implies its not.

Penny: Hey, that's a cute picture. Isn't that the day we almost went to the beach?
Leonard: Memorial Day?
Penny: No, that was the day we almost went to the mountains.
Leonard: Oh. That's the great thing about California; you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach in the same day.
Penny: Yeah.

Sheldon: Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard: Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway.

Leonard: Let's look at our pictures; that-that'll jog our memories.
Penny: What is that a picture of?
Leonard: Oh, uh, that's a mole on my back. I wanted to make sure it wasn't growing.
Penny: How'd you get a picture of your own back?
Leonard: Sheldon took it. We're kind of mole buddies.

Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I've decided to write my own Christmas letter. So I'm gonna make a list of all the cool things we did this year.
Penny: Oh, fun. Can I help?
Leonard: Yes. Can you think of a single cool thing we did this year?

Mary Cooper: Hey, who's in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?
Leonard: Oh me.
Penny: Yeah, me too.
Mary Cooper: Coming up.
Leonard: I don't really feel I deserve it.