Amy: I know we only have coitus on my birthday, but I don't know if I can wait until midnight.
Sheldon: Oh, well, you'll be glad you did. Everyone knows the best foreplay is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.

Leonard: I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

Sheldon: Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

Howard: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: Oh, Oh, Lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one. But he didn't.
Leonard: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!

Leonard: All right, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, you, sir, have no leg to stand on.

Sheldon: As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals and I can not look at toes during dinner.

Sheldon: I'm gonna need some help. Someone baby-proofed the front door.

Sheldon: As a Texas gentleman, I'm inclined to say ladies first. Although, I'm concerned that level of politeness and charm may make you fall in love with me before the test even begins.

Sheldon: We're scientists, we can conduct our own research. I propose that we imprison two street people-
Amy: No.
Sheldon: You didn't even let me finish.
Amy: Forget it.
Sheldon: Oh, so you can experiment on all the apes you want, but I want to manipulate the emotions of two captive human beings, suddenly I'm the monster.

Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that's something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.
Sheldon: Not to mention you'd have to power down on Saturdays.

Leonard: Seriously? You don't even have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.

Sheldon: Okay, I'll use real people. Um, if a certain dog-like loyalty is useful, then it's Leonard, hmm? If, uh, having a PEZ dispenser filled with TUMS is an advantage, Wolowitz, yeah. If a best man with fake testicles hanging from his truck is important, well, then, my brother's back in the running.

Stuart: Yeah, this one made me go for ice cream and talk about her day. Spoiler alert: it was fine.
Amy: It wasn't fine. I got trapped in an elevator.
Sheldon: I may have missed a few details. The bottom of my cone was drippy.

Sheldon: I'm helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.
Stuart: It'll be $2.99.
Sheldon: Really? It's soaking wet.
Stuart: Fine, $1.

Penny: I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a brainiac?
Sheldon: Oh! Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph.D in French Literature.
Penny: How is that not a brainiac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing she was French.