Leonard: I can't believe we're going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
Howard: Yeah, we're kind of badasses, aren't we?

Howard: Apparently, he posted intimate details of their physical relationship on his blog, which I cannot find anywhere.

Howard: Is it me or does web-chatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless?

Howard: Could you look at Toby?
Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket.
Sheldon: (To Howard) Told you.

Mrs. Wolowitz: I think it shrunk. I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here.
Howard: And with that mental picture, I think we're done for the evening.

Leonard: Uh, I hope they let us in soon. I'm tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time. It's a vicious circle.
Howard: Too bad you don't have a stadium pal like me.
Leonard: What's a stadium pal?
Howard: Let me put it this way. Takes care of the bathroom problem and it keeps your calf warm.

Bernadette: He's our guest. We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.

Howard: No, we wouldn't ask him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.

Raj: I can see my little princess while I'm at work, right?
Howard: Why can't you just watch porn like a normal guy?

Howard: Come on. If I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much of my 20s in the shower.

Howard: My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.

Howard: I'm definitely up a cup size.
Raj: Yeah, but they're firm. So you've got that going for you.
Howard: Thanks, I needed that today.

Howard: (To Raj) Will you play the ukelele?
Raj: Sure, I'd be happy to shred it on my axe.
Howard: Or you could just play your tiny, ridiculous guitar.

Howard: My mom's been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short: they had to shoot it.
*Blank look from Bernadette's father*
Howard: ... because she's so fat.
*door rings*
Howard: I'll get the door while you finish laughing.

Raj: Hey, when you got home today and complained about feeling sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No. I said "Aww, that must hurt." and I rubbed your belly.
Howard: I thought of you (Bernadette), the whole time.

Howard: Mineral and rock show? That would be awful even without Bert.