Sheldon: There's Amy. I just know you're gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense.

Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.
Sheldon: You know, it turns out, you can hurt people just as well without 'em.

Sheldon: You hit me. I'm bleeding.

Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens if I blow it?
Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.

Howard: How's the air matress?
Sheldon: It's okay, if you don't mind sleeping on a bouncy castle.

Leonard: What's going on?
Sheldon: We scored. I'm the wingman.

Girl: What are you?
Sheldon: I'm gonna give you a hand: weawww.
Girl: A Choo choo train?
Sheldon: Close! weawwww
Girl: A brain damaged choo choo train?

Sheldon: Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?
Leonard: I don't know, he was pretty bad ass on Heroes.
Sheldon: Nope. Sorry Quinto, you're going back!

Santa: (By a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!
Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense
Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon)

Sheldon: People should take care of themselves.
Leonard: Oh, like yesterday when you made me drive you to the dry cleaners, the pharmacy and the post office?
Sheldon: I'm not saying people can't use tools. Even an otter picks up a rock when he wants a clam.

Leonard: Are you set on people laughing WITH you? Because if you're cool with AT you ...
Sheldon: I don't get it.

Sheldon: How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don't tell her how disappointed I am and how I'll never forgive her.

Sheldon: You tracked my phone?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Boy, you chase one balloon for three miles.
Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving for ever.

Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy, you must know-
Sheldon: Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

Amy: Let's pick ourselves out a nice turtle. Ooh, how about this one up on the log?
Sheldon: Hmm, I don't know. He kinda looks like a jerk.