Stuart: You know something, Jesse. You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important.
Jesse: What's that?
Stuart: Friendship ... which I would trade in a heartbeat for all this.

Stuart: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
Raj: Fine, just try not to look too alive.
Stuart: That's my jam.

Stuart: I don't want to rush you, but I'm closing a little early tonight.
Raj: Ooh, hot date?
Stuart: Uh, no. I overheard Bernadette tell Howard she was making him a meatloaf, and you don't have to not ask me twice.

Amy: What are you doing here? You're not Sheldon.
Stuart: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.

Stuart: I don't think I've ever felt so rejected. And I had a rescue dog that ran back to the pound!

Raj: Hey, we've always talked about playing together.
Howard: Well, it could be fun to try a little acoustic thing.
Raj: Oh, we could play "filk" music.
Stuart: What's that?
Raj: It's been around for years. It's like folk music, but with a sci-fi/fantasy theme.
Stuart: I like it. It sounds exactly like something I shouldn't be expected to pay for.

Stuart: That's right, ladies. For all you know, I'm confident and fun to be around.

Stuart: Do you guys know any musicians?
Howard: Why?
Stuart: I was thinking it might be cool to have live music here a few nights a week. You know, give this place more of a "staying in business" vibe.

Howard: Certainly a lot more women are reading comic books now.
Stuart: It's true. In the store, I had to put a seat on the toilet.

Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: All right, well, who's the best superhero?
Stuart: Shh! You can't ask a question like that in here. Are you trying to start a rumble?

Raj: What did you put as the one word description of yourself?
Stuart: I put unobjectionable. But now I hear it out loud, it just seems like I'm being cocky.

Howard: I had a falling out with Raj. He said I make fun of him too much and it's wrecked his confidence.
Stuart: Please, confidence is like red blood cells: it's nice if you got some, but you don't need 'em.

Leonard: Maybe we could get Batman to actually show up.
Raj: You mean, some guy in a lame suit?
Leonard: Or a real Batman. Hey, Stuart? Didn't you try to get Adam West to do a signing here once?
Stuart: Yeah, but there was kind of a scheduling conflict. He, uh, wanted to know when he'd get paid. And I wouldn't tell him.

Stuart: So I met Jeanie at your Aunt Gladys's. She passed me the Manischewitz, I took one look at this punim, and almost plotzed on the kugel.

Stuart: I haven't seen this many people in my store since that Korean Church bus crashed through my window.