Sheldon: Answer the phone, Leonard.
Leonard: No! There, it went to voice mail.
Sheldon: Aren't you going to check your messages?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You have to check your messages, the leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy.

Stuart: Uh, hey, Leonard, can I talk to you about something?
Leonard: Oh, sure, what's up?
Stuart: Remember I went out with your friend Penny a couple weeks ago?
Leonard: Yeah, vaguely.
Raj: Sure you remember. You went to the bar and made a fool of yourself trying to pick up strange women.

Penny: Well, In that case, do you mind giving me some advice?
Leonard: About Stuart? Love to.
Penny: He's very shy, how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard: Well, uh, first of all, don't underestimate the value of discomfort.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Well, yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure, that's why he works in a comic book store.

Leonard: Oh. It's Stuart.
Sheldon: You're not going to answer it?
Leonard: He wants to talk about Penny. I don't want to talk about Penny.
Sheldon: You're making an assumption. Perhaps the comic book store is on fire, and he needs your assistance.
Leonard: Why would he call me?
Sheldon: We don't know. And if you don't answer the phone, we can't know.

Sheldon: Good morning, gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Good morning. Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don't know about?
Leonard: No, he lives here now.
Howard: Really? Why?
Leonard: Well, since he won't take the bus and he's too evolved to drive, he decided it would be easier to just sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I'm finished with my experiment.
Raj: But you finished your experiment a week ago.
Leonard: Yep.

Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I'm farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: Well, no, no, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind. You know, a Homo Novus, if you will. No, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.

Leonard: Assuming that everything you say is true, how does the biologically superior Homo Novus get to work tomorrow morning?
Sheldon: Homo Novus doesn't know.
Leonard: Well, hang in there. Maybe you'll evolve into something with wings.

Leonard: So wait,you're just gonna give up?
Sheldon: No, I'm not giving up. I never give up.
Leonard: So what is it you're doing?
Sheldon: I'm transcending the situation. I'm clearly too evolved for driving.

Leonard: Okay, now, what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
Sheldon: I haven't fastened my seat belt yet.
Leonard: Okay, fasten your seat belt.
Sheldon: Click. Now, are there air bags?
Leonard: You don't need air bags.
Sheldon: What if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.

Sheldon: No. I quit. [After Sheldon stands up, there is a crashing sound from the driving simulation. Then pained noises from animals]
Leonard: Aw, the pet store?
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.

Sheldon: Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other color. I don't want any hassles with the fuzz.

Howard: Fine, what colour do you want?
Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered?
Howard: Black it is.

Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

Leonard: Sheldon, sit down.
Sheldon: She's in my spot. Don't look at me like that. Everybody knows that's my spot.

Penny: Sheldon, you know that we care about you.
Howard: And it's because we care about you that we've decided we have to speak up.
Penny: You're hurting the people around you, sweetie.
Leonard: So we made you an appointment, and we want you to keep it.
Sheldon: Department of Motor Vehicles new driver handbook? But I don't have a problem.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to learn how to drive.