Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Bernadette: Gosh, Amy. I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.

Bernadette: I told you you shouldn't have espresso after dinner. I know the little cups make you feel big but it's not worth it.

Bernadette: We can't all be Cinderella.
Amy: Then how do we decide?
Bernadette: Well, it's simple. This was my idea. I'm driving. I'm Cinderella. You bitches got a problem with that, we could stop the car right now.

Mrs. Wolowitz I'm not going near that fakakta thing. I'll catch a computer virus.
Howard: You can't catch a computer virus.
Mrs. Wolowitz Oh, so now you're an astronaut and a doctor?

Sheldon: (Typing into a search engine) How do I get 12-year-old schoolgirls excited?
Howard and Leonard: No!

Bernadette: You can't just throw everything in the closet.
Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do and how to do it, but not both at the same time. This isn't sex.

Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.

Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?
Leonard: No, that can't be right.
Howard: Maybe "Thor's Hammer" is a new color of nail polish.

Sheldon: You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know, understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want. It's exhausting!

Howard: Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Raj: Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time.
Stuart: Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend.
Raj: It's like we both had these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.
Stuart: That sounds a little funny to an American ear.
Raj: Which part?
Stuart: Just all of it.

Bernadette: Why are they staring?
Amy: Who cares? Just soak it in. Hello, boys.
Stuart: Oh, hey. (To the other customers) Could you please stop staring? They're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: What brings you guys here?
Bernadette: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart: Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought wed give it a try.
Stuart: Oh, okay. What do you think you might be into? Superhero, fantasy, graphic novels, manga? (To the customers) I swear I will turn a hose on you.

Amy: If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab onto him and never let go.