Raj: Can we take a moment to discuss that I just lied to the government for you?
Howard: Yeah, I would not have done that for you.

Raj: It is funny when you think about it.
Howard: Maybe to you. You didn't get a $500 traffic ticket.
Bernadette: Because you were driving like a lunatic.
Howard: Hey, if thinking secret government agents are chasing you makes you a lunatic, then yeah, okay.

Bernadette: It didn't help that you couldn't walk a straight line when the cop pulled you over.
Howard: I have performance anxiety. You of all people should know that.

Raj: What just happened?
Howard: A stranger just lured Sheldon away with a candy bar.

Bernadette: So what happens next?
Howard: Phase two: we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.

Bernadette: Want me to put on some Neil Diamond? That always makes you feel better.
Howard: No. You'll get all sexed up, and I'm not in the mood.

Bernadette: So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz?
Howard: Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle?
Bernadette: Yes, I'm juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.
Howard: And it's hard, isn't it?

Bernadette: What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
Howard: She already likes soap bubbles more than us.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.
Howard: Unless it was singing "Be Our Guest," I doubt it.

Bernadette: Look, Raj just gets along with women.
Leonard: I know, but he was my friend first. It's like she's stealing him and they're just having the best time doing all their dumb girly stuff together.
Howard: You sure you don't fit in? You sound like a catty bitch to me.

Howard: Hey, look at that. You've got a Raj, we've got a Stuart. Maybe we should take them both to the park and let them run around together.
Leonard: I don't know. Yours looks like he has worms.

Howard: He's just decided that he'll never leave his apartment ever again.
Sheldon: Oh, good, I've been itching to pull that trigger.

Howard: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Raj: Everything okay?

Howard: Dinner's almost ready. If you like meatloaf, I'm sure you'll like its cousin, bowl of meat.

Raj: Maybe I'll just play the field.
Howard: Yeah, the field was just here. The field said no.