Leonard: Look, Sheldon, you were a jerk to Bert, and he walked away from you. So I feel like there's a lot he could teach me.

Raj: Oh, that's Claire. Got to run.
Leonard: I thought you were back with Emily.
Raj: Uh, actually I'm seeing both of them.
Leonard: You mean like through their window from behind a bush?

Leonard: Oh, yeah. We did it without you.
Sheldon: And do you remember what happened next?
Howard: Your mom called my mom and said we were being mean?
Sheldon: And after that?
Howard: You said that someday we'd regret this.
Sheldon: And do you know what today is?
Leonard: The day we found out we're rich and none of it is yours? (Leonard, Howard and Raj high-five)

Leonard: I'm going to hit the head. That's what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee-pee.

Leonard: Hi, I'm calling about your marriage counselling services and I was curious what your rate is.
Really?
Uhm, okay, is there any kind of discount for length of marriage? We're talking hours here.

Amy: Well, I just took your side 'cause sometimes I get annoyed at how close Sheldon and Penny are.
Leonard: Well, they argue all the time. They aren't that close.
Amy: Whos always comforting him when he's upset?
Leonard: Penny, but-
Amy: Who's the only one who can make him take his medicine when he's sick?
Leonard: I try to hide it in his peanut butter, but he spits it out.

Penny: So, what are you thinking for dinner?
Leonard: Well, it's Thai food night.
Penny: Well, honey, you don't live with Sheldon any more. You can have anything you want.
Leonard: You're right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue?
Penny: How about Thai food?
Leonard: Oh, thank God.

Amy: I'm really worried about Sheldon. I've never seen him this down.
Penny: Have you tried making him a cup of tea?
Amy: He's reevaluated tea. Now he thinks it's nothing but leaf soup.
Leonard: That's a good point.
Penny: No, it's not.
Leonard: No, it's not.

Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, I've decided to write my own Christmas letter. So I'm gonna make a list of all the cool things we did this year.
Penny: Oh, fun. Can I help?
Leonard: Yes. Can you think of a single cool thing we did this year?

Penny: Amy, why did you tell him that?
Amy: Because you were defending Sheldon like you always do.
Penny: I don't always defend Sheldon.
Leonard: Oh, yes, you do. You know you have a weird brother-sister / Elliott - E.T. relationship with him.

Penny: Uh, well, both of our jobs are going great.
Leonard: Sure. I mean, my Air Force project got taken away, and you're not crazy about selling pharmaceuticals. I'll just write down "still employed."

Raj: So Star Trek and Star Wars characters can go on the same branch?
Leonard: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!

Penny: What's that noise?
Leonard: Oh, it's my new keyboard. It looks and sounds like an old-fashioned typewriter. It makes me feel like a real novelist.
Penny: You poured yourself a Scotch.
Leonard: Apple juice.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: But unsweetened, like Hemingway used to drink.

Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard: You tell me. You woke up in bed with one.

Leonard: You'll have nerds fawning all over you. If you don't love that, this marriage is in trouble.