Raj: Where's Sheldon?
Penny: Date night.
Leonard: That can't be much fun for Amy. You know at work today he tried his first Redbull.
Bernadette: What happened?
Leonard: He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while. And then threw up in my car.

Georgie: Look, I mean, I always looked out for him at school. I drove him everywhere. I apologized to people when he was rude.
Leonard: Yeah. I've done all that. I've also removed all the red balloons from his Lucky Charms because they weren't "Irish enough".

Sheldon: And look at the cool incentives I'm offering.
Leonard: "For $50,000, I will examine your diet and create a customized bathroom schedule." That's fitting, 50 grand down the toilet.

Penny: Fine, if you really want me to, I will pick your mom up.
Leonard: Seriously?
Penny: Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law and I'd like for us to have a good relationship.
Leonard: That is very mature of you. So I'm gonna go ahead and say, suckah.

Raj: Oh, my God, this tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.
Doctor Wolcott: My secret is I fertilize it with my own manure.
Howard: The look on your face.
Leonard: It's a sort of grin. You want to know what kind?

Leslie: I admire your fingering.
Leonard: Thank you.
Leslie: Maybe some time you can try that on my instrument.

Amy: I'm getting an earthy note.
Penny: Ah, there's definitely some oak.
Raj: Also, uh, cherries?
Leonard: I smell nothing.
Howard: Really? Nothing?
Leonard: Just a whole lot of Afrin.

Ira Flatow: Hi, I'm Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. Joining me today is my guest physicist, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, to talk about all of the exciting research they're doing at Cal Tech.
Leonard: Thank you for having me. Whoa (chuckles) Could never get used to hearing myself in headphones. Is that really how I sound?
Ira Flatow: (chuckles) It is. It is.
Leonard: (deep voice): That is good to know.

Penny: What's that noise?
Leonard: Oh, it's my new keyboard. It looks and sounds like an old-fashioned typewriter. It makes me feel like a real novelist.
Penny: You poured yourself a Scotch.
Leonard: Apple juice.
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: But unsweetened, like Hemingway used to drink.

Penny: Amy, why did you tell him that?
Amy: Because you were defending Sheldon like you always do.
Penny: I don't always defend Sheldon.
Leonard: Oh, yes, you do. You know you have a weird brother-sister / Elliott - E.T. relationship with him.

Leonard: Hi, I'm calling about your marriage counselling services and I was curious what your rate is.
Really?
Uhm, okay, is there any kind of discount for length of marriage? We're talking hours here.

Penny: So, what are you thinking for dinner?
Leonard: Well, it's Thai food night.
Penny: Well, honey, you don't live with Sheldon any more. You can have anything you want.
Leonard: You're right. But what? Mexican? Italian? German? Indian? Greek? Cuban? Chinese? Pizza? Barbecue? Korean? Korean barbecue?
Penny: How about Thai food?
Leonard: Oh, thank God.

Sheldon: All right, now all that's left is for us to sign and date the document, and we will officially no longer be roommates.
Penny: What's the matter?
Leonard: It's harder than I thought.
Sheldon: Let me help you. L-E-O-N-
Leonard: That helped!

Leonard: Look, Sheldon, you were a jerk to Bert, and he walked away from you. So I feel like there's a lot he could teach me.

Leonard: Oh, yeah. We did it without you.
Sheldon: And do you remember what happened next?
Howard: Your mom called my mom and said we were being mean?
Sheldon: And after that?
Howard: You said that someday we'd regret this.
Sheldon: And do you know what today is?
Leonard: The day we found out we're rich and none of it is yours? (Leonard, Howard and Raj high-five)