Howard: I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Ah, well, I guess for you guys that's like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes? Really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me.
Leonard: Yeah, and don't you forget it.

Penny: We won.
Leonard: Oh, that's excellent. It's a weird figure of speech, isn't it? We won, when you weren't actually playing. When we watch Star Wars, we don't say we defeated the empire.
Penny: I'm glad to hear it.

Howard: I can't believe I wasted all that money.
Leonard: Aw, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.

Raj: Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I'm thinking turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.
Leonard: I'm thinking you need a testosterone patch.

Leonard: So, by friend, do you mean friend friend, gay friend, or ex boyfriend who you're now platonic with but still might have a thing for your friend?
Penny: Well, he's definitely not gay.
Leonard: Oh, a definitely not gay musician sleeping on my girlfriend's couch. Yippee!

Penny: Oh and FYI, you never even heard of The Black Eyed Peas until you met me.
Leonard: I'd heard of them. Didn't know they were a band.

Leonard: I have asthma. Back off!

Leonard: I suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.

Penny: Toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
Leonard: No, that's a crazy thing.

Leonard: Oh, cool. I've got a lawyer. And I've seen her naked.

Leonard: No offense, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that's happened today.

Leonard: Wow, teasing the guys at the Apple Store seems a little redundant now.
Sheldon: I don't follow.
Leonard: I wouldn't expect you to.

Leonard: Look, I am in the Halo battle of my life here. There's this kid in Copenhagen. He has no immune system so all he does is sit in his bubble and play Halo 24/7.
Howard: Can't you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.

Sheldon: Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Leonard: Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.

Dave: I don't know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
Leonard: Actually, science is my lady.