Raj: You know, you and I have so much fun hanging out together. If you were a girl, all our problems would be solved.
Stuart: What?
Raj: Oh yeah, think about it. We'd hang out, read comic books, we'd see movies. It'd be like the best relationship ever.
Stuart: That does sound nice.
Raj: Then I'd take you home, slip off your little black dress and just pile-drive you into oblivion.
Stuart: What?

Bert: I made a huge mistake.
Raj: No, you didn't. Okay? Look, Bert, when I had money, I dated lots of girls who weren't right for me. And then I gave up my money, and now I'm alone, and living with my friends, and somebody else should probably talk now.

Raj: This is nice. All my friends hanging out, watching Ellen. It's like, what am I gonna do with my other two wishes?

Leonard: What's going on with that woman you're dating?
Raj: I broke up with her.
Leonard: Why?
Raj: She said she didn't want to see me any more and I found that insulting.

Howard: Wait, you're not seriously marrying a woman you've met once.
Raj: Why not? She's nice, I'm nice. We're just as likely to be happy as any other two people. Maybe even happier. (to Leonard) Sorry, that was not a swipe at you.
Leonard: I didn't think it was.
Raj: Yeah, good, 'cause it was not.

Leonard: Those guys are good at self-promoting, so what? No one ever won a Nobel for being nice.
Raj: Yeah, but if they did, do you know who would win one?
Howard: Are you gonna say Tom Hanks?
Raj: He picked up a shovel and helped the guy replant.

Anu: I think I'm nice. Are you nice?
Raj: Oh, I'm definitely nice. Every time a girl breaks up with me she always starts with, "You're a nice guy."

Amy: Did you say you guys are working on the guidance system tomorrow?
Leonard: Yeah, why?
Amy: Well, Sheldon said that he was gonna work with me on our quantum perception project.
Leonard: We've had this planned for a week.
Amy: Well, he reconfirmed with me this morning.
Raj: Guys, before this gets ugly, remember, the winner gets Sheldon.

Sheldon: Shall we?
Raj: Oh, my God. It's light, it's flaky, it's buttery. You don't need to have sex with him, just eat one of these.

Howard: Okay, last question. The chaps he was wearing assless?
Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I'm facing?
Raj: We can, but for the record, all chaps are assless.

Raj: This is fun. I have never cleaned a toilet before.
Issabella: You're kidding.
Raj: No, I grew up with a house full of servants and now I have a cleaning lady ... who is a lovely woman who I have great respect for.
Issabella: It's okay, you're allowed to have a cleaning lady.
Raj: Oh, good, because she also walks my dog, buys my groceries and cuts my hair.
Issabella: I think that's called a mommy.

Raj: Hey, look! The lug nut's off.

Raj: Little parenting tip: sleeping babies hate flash photography.

Raj: I'm actually glad Lucy had to work tonight. Saved me the awkward conversation about how I was hanging with my bros.
Howard: Isn't every conversation you two have awkward?
Raj: Painfully so. We have this rule that if no one talks for three minutes, we can just hang up. So into her.

Bernadette: You bought a minivan?!
Howard: It's for the baby, and I didn't buy it. The dealer loaned it to me for a 24-hour test drive.
Raj: Though we did ding up the back pretty good with the crib, so you might have bought a minivan.