Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter. I even changed my Facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do.

Howard: I'll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother, and we can spend some more time together, if you catch my drift.
Penny: The horror.

Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that. How can you possibly know that? Penny: You know what? Anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?
Leonard: I'm sorry, that really is how it works.
Sheldon: You're tricking me. You tell me the truth. What do we get?
Leonard: Raj, help me out here.
Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.
Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely PS3. Who would pick a mountain bike?

Howard: Hey, good news, you don't have to sulk about Penny any more. Look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard: Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard: I'll lend you my user name, it's wealthybigpenis.
Leonard: You're joking.
Howard: Well, you gotta make it easy for them. They're just learning English.

Sheldon: I wanted a griffin.
Leonard: A griffin.
Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard: And mythological.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one. But my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj: Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their field.
Sheldon: If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.

Raj: It's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard: Poverty? Your father's a gynaecologist. He drives a Bentley.
Raj: It's a lease.

Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "world's greatest dad" coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

Raj: God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.

Leonard: So, how'd it go with Ramona last night?
Sheldon: Oh, great. She's smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.
Ramona: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.

Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.

Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station's Liquid Waste Disposal System.
Ramona: Ew.