Leonard: Leslie, you are way off base here.
Sheldon: Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
Leslie: Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Sheldon: Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.

Sheldon: So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game.
Penny: Oh, okay, wild adventure.

Sheldon: Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny: That's on the registration?
Sheldon: Oh yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack: 75 additional quests.
Penny: Ooh, awesome. Okay, I totally like to initiate, I'm a big old five.
Sheldon: Good to know. Big ol' five.

Sheldon: Leonard, this is Tom.
Leonard: Hi, Tom. Sheldon? Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Yes, you were very clear. As was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.

Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

Raj: God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.

Howard: Hey, good news, you don't have to sulk about Penny any more. Look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard: Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard: I'll lend you my user name, it's wealthybigpenis.
Leonard: You're joking.
Howard: Well, you gotta make it easy for them. They're just learning English.

Sheldon: I wanted a griffin.
Leonard: A griffin.
Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard: And mythological.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one. But my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.
Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I'm not keeping you from anything.

Sheldon: You're going up Euclid Avenue?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.
Penny: Well, good for Leonard.
Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you're not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection.

Sheldon: Okay. I'll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I'll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh, very clever, that's a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and I say Europium, and, and you're left with Mendelevium, and there are no more M's because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

Penny: (pulling car over) Get out.
Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I'm not sure I'm capable of performing diagnostics.
Penny: I said, get out.
Sheldon: Okay. I'll give it a shot. (Penny drives away)

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I'm ready to go home.
Leonard: I just got here.
Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.

Leonard: Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can't drive you for the next few weeks.
Sheldon: No, you said you couldn't drive me to work, this is from work.
Leonard: Howard, help me out here.
Howard: No, just for the fun of it, I'm gonna take his side.
Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?
Leonard: How did you get here in the first place?
Sheldon: Penny. But I sense that's no longer an option.
Leonard: Look, I need to get to the laser lab, you're just going to have to find someone else to take you home. [Sheldon looks to Howard]
Howard: Oh damn, I picked the wrong side.

Sheldon: Where are you going?
Raj: I'm taking you home.
Sheldon: Oh, but I'm not going home. It's Wednesday. Wednesday is new comic book day. We have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it's creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there's a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.
Raj: I have a better idea.
Sheldon: You want to go to Pottery Barn first?