Sheldon: Good morning, gentlemen.
Leonard: Hey.
Raj: Good morning. Is there some new kind of casual Friday I don't know about?
Leonard: No, he lives here now.
Howard: Really? Why?
Leonard: Well, since he won't take the bus and he's too evolved to drive, he decided it would be easier to just sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I'm finished with my experiment.
Raj: But you finished your experiment a week ago.
Leonard: Yep.

Leslie: So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.
Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

Howard: Howard Wolowitz, department of engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station's Liquid Waste Disposal System.
Ramona: Ew.

Howard: You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System is turning a few heads as well.
Ramona: Again, ew.

Penny: Dr. Sheldon Cooper?
Ramona: We're having dinner.
Penny: Sheldon Cooper? Tall, thin, looks a little like a giant praying mantis.
Ramona: He is cute, isn't he?

Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species, and some day he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moths wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.
Ramona: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.

Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.

Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is partway between three... Never mind.

Howard: Hello, boys.
Leonard: Ahoy, matey.
Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Leonard: Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pinkeye.

Sheldon: What happened?
Leonard: Howard's at the Mars Rover lab. He says he's in trouble. DEFCON 5.
Sheldon: DEFCON 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: DEFCON 5 means no danger. DEFCON 1 is a crisis.

Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?
Howard: Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She's a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.
Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?
Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, it was a fiasco. What did work was, "How'd you like to visit a secret government facility?"

Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?
Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she's here. She doesn't exactly have clearance.
Sheldon: Really? They don't let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.

Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.
Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.