Bernadette: The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Bernadette: Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don't want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn't the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let's see how you like this waffle!

Penny: Ooh, does she like bracelets?
Sheldon: Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin. Maybe they have a dressier version of that?

Howard: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I always thought I'd be a dad someday.
Raj: Oh, me, too. You're so caring. I've often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood.
Leonard: There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj'll have your babies, problem solved.

Raj: What's your mom going to say if you call off the wedding?
Howard: Huh, it'll kill her. On the other hand, if I don't give her grandchildren, that'll kill her, too. So, either way, on the Mom front, I'm golden.

Sheldon: What time did you tell Amy to be here?
Penny: Eight o'clock. (Sheldon checks his pocket watch) Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor.

Sheldon: Under what pretext did you lure her here?
Penny: I said, hey, want to come over and hang out?
Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might've gotten suspicious.

Penny: Did Sheldon change the Wi-Fi password again?
Leonard: Yeah, it's "Penny already eats our food she can pay for Wi-Fi". No spaces.

Leonard: Do you think we can outrun him?
Sheldon: I don't need to outrun him, I just need to outrun you.

Sheldon: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.

Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.

Sheldon: I don't watch you twenty-four hours a day. I don't know what you do.

Sheldon: You are soft. The world is going to chew you up and spit you out.

Jimmy Speckerman: Yeah, we were practically a comedy team.
Wolowitz: Yeah, like the Black Death and Europe.

Bernadette: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me. Tammy Bodnick. One time, while I was in gym class, she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker.
Penny: Oh, that's awful.
Bernadette: Worst part was, it was too big.

Sheldon: Congratulations? The Newcomb Medal? Oh, please. That's the scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.