Mary Cooper: It's called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating: five thorny crowns.

Mary Cooper: This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route 4 serves sushi. But it's just cut up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben's. They put it on the menu in those Kung Fu letters but that don't make it sushi.

Leonard: Kung Fu letters might not be politically correct.
Mary Cooper: Oh, I thought the one we couldn't say was Ching-Chong.
Leonard: Yeah, that too.

Mary Cooper: How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you're in some sort of a long distance situation.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It's Raj's sister. It's kinda tough. She's in India and also her parents aren't happy she's dating someone white.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that's a funny turn, isn't it? You never think about it going the other way.

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurting. What do we do when someone's hurtin'?
Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.
Mary Cooper: And when they're drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?
Sheldon: Coffee.
Mary Cooper: And what do we do it with?
*Sheldon smiles*

Sheldon: I'm glad we're finally getting to do something together. Just the two of us.
Mary Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you're on vacation is laundry.

Mary Cooper: Hun, you think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with, is because you're letting them ride the roller-coaster without buying a ticket?

Howard: So this spring I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh my word. A trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you can read.

Penny: Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mary: Well, I can't spend $12,000 on a handbag. But it's free to look upon those that do with righteous condemnation.

Mary Cooper: The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.
Leonard: Everything? Aren't you worried about your health?
Mary Cooper: Oh, doctors are always changing their minds. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we're not getting enough of it.

Mary Cooper: I am not abandoning you, Sheldon. Abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

Mary Cooper: Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mary Cooper: My goodness. It's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.

Mary Cooper: Lord, Mary Cooper here, coming to you from Gomorrah, California.

Mary Cooper: I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my bible.