Penny: This is getting old fast, Dolores, knock it off!
Sheldon: Uh, do you really think calling me names is helpful?
Penny: I do! Your life is fine, you big baby!
Sheldon: Maybe you're right.
Amy: Really?!
Leonard: If it helps, I'm questioning your life choices, too.

Penny: Fine, if you really want me to, I will pick your mom up.
Leonard: Seriously?
Penny: Yeah, you know what, she is my mother-in-law and I'd like for us to have a good relationship.
Leonard: That is very mature of you. So I'm gonna go ahead and say, suckah.

Leonard: Ahh, Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.
Penny: Well, what are you gonna say?
Leonard: Well, they did just introduce the middle finger emoji. If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.

Penny: Have you ever thought about talking to some kind of therapist about all this?
Raj: Ugh. Maybe. Hey, Leonard, do you think your mom would be available?
Leonard: Yeah, you don't want to do that. Talking to my mom to get more confidence is like talking to a lion to get more alive.

Penny: Maybe there's something in the book that will help.
Leonard: Worth a shot.
Penny: Okay. Let's see, let's see. "Biting other children"?
Leonard: Well, sometimes, but problem for another day.

Raj: Where's Sheldon?
Penny: Date night.
Leonard: That can't be much fun for Amy. You know at work today he tried his first Redbull.
Bernadette: What happened?
Leonard: He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while. And then threw up in my car.

Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
Sheldon: That sounds awful. Raj?
Raj: Uh, I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.
Sheldon: That's the one to beat, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.

Sheldon: Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard: Oh, I like to laugh. But say it anyway.

Georgie: Look, I mean, I always looked out for him at school. I drove him everywhere. I apologized to people when he was rude.
Leonard: Yeah. I've done all that. I've also removed all the red balloons from his Lucky Charms because they weren't "Irish enough".

Leonard: Can I see?
Penny: What, now you're interested? You didn't even want to come.
Leonard: I know, but you guys make being a crappy friend look fun.

Raj: What if the reboot is great?
Sheldon: That's even worse. If-if I like it, I'll feel like I'm being disloyal to Arthur. He was a mentor and a friend, and I won't toss him aside for some Hollywood pretty boy like Wil Wheaton.
Raj: It's hard to argue with him.
Leonard: Because he makes no sense? Yeah.

Sheldon: And look at the cool incentives I'm offering.
Leonard: "For $50,000, I will examine your diet and create a customized bathroom schedule." That's fitting, 50 grand down the toilet.

Howard: So what the hell happened?
Leonard: Oh, I just ran out of patience with Sheldon's nonsense.
Howard: Tell me about it. I've had it with Raj, too.
Amy: You know, like women, men have a monthly hormone cycle. Dips in testosterone can cause irritability.
Howard: Interesting. Maybe my male cycle synced up with Raj's actual period.
Leonard: If Sheldon's testosterone dipped, he'd become a butterfly.

Penny: Aren't you worried you're making French toast on oatmeal day?
Leonard: Ah, well, what's this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call "gloatmeal".
Penny: Oh, I don't want credit for that.

Leonard: You don't know your own husband's birthday.
Penny: Well you don't know everything about me.
Leonard: Your birthday is December 2, you grew up on Perkins Street, the last four digits of your social are 7-6-2-1, and the odds of me letting you forget this are zero.