Howard: Whoa! Somebody's auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!
Sheldon: No. Glenn's was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven't given up hope.

Penny: Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!
Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succor to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
Penny: Just say thank you.
Sheldon: I thought I just did.

Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?
Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn't start talking, we'll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.
Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.
Sheldon: I don't care! I'm losin' it, man!

Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that either.

Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.
Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand and suddenly I'm sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

Howard: Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.

Sheldon: When the toupee licked my hand I screamed and hopped down the street on my remaining flip-flop.
Amy: Can I just ask?
Sheldon: No, this is a long story. Why don't we please save your questions till the end?

Sheldon: This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

Sheldon: My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle, and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Or her own protection.

Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Penny: Sheldon, it's Saturday night. You'll be doing laundry.
Sheldon: Don't tell him that. Tell him the mask thing.

Alex: I know she's a fan of The Canterbury Tales. So I found this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
Sheldon: But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
Alex: I don't know how to respond to that.

Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. I got a C- four years in a row.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.

Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: Huh. Looks like you've been busy.
Sheldon: Oh, I have. Uh, dark matter, uh, reconciling gravity and quantum mechanics. Supersymmetry. I've figured out the biggest problems in physics today.
Amy: Wow, you solved them all?
Sheldon: No, I just, I figured out that they're the biggest problems.

Howard: This is a twist. Usually you're the one getting called into H.R.
Raj: Yeah, now it's Amy. Who knew you were married to such a bad girl.
Sheldon: I suppose the signs were always there. I mean, she did recently go to that rave at the mall.
Amy: It was a Spencer's Gifts.
Sheldon: There was music and a strobe light. If that isn't a rave, then I don't know what one is.
Leonard: You don't know what one is.

Sheldon: Are you Todd Zarnecki?
Todd Zarnecki: Yeah. Who are you?
Sheldon: I am Sheldor of Azeroth. I want my things back.
Todd Zarnecki: I don't think so. Let me see that.
Sheldon: Careful. That's a collectible.
Todd Zarnecki: I know. I've always wanted one. (Closes door, taking Sheldon's bat'leth)
Sheldon: Well, he's even more cunning than we thought.