Howard: You sure you're okay?
Bernadette: Yeah, it's just a precaution. If there were a problem I'd be throwing up through my eyeballs by now.

Amy: I'm leading a study to see if deficiency of the monoamine oxidase enzyme leads to paralysing fear in monkies.
Bernadette: If they're anything like humans, the answer is yes.
Amy: You've done this experiment on humans?
Bernadette: You mean like death row inmates with nothing to lose? No, that would be unethical.

Howard: My arm is feeling numb. *Howard rubs his right arm*
Bernadette: That's the wrong arm for a heart-attack, doofus.
*Howard switches to his left arm*

Howard: I was just thinking about my mom and how sad my childhood was.
Bernadette: Yeah, I bet it sucked. I'm gonna take a bath and you do the dishes.
Howard: How about I take a bath with you? See what happens?
Bernadette: Here's what's going to happen: I'm going to take a bath, you're gonna do the dishes.
Howard: That's it? No compassion?
Bernadette: "Aww, poor Howie". We good? I'm going to take a bath.

Bernadette: Oh my God! You did not just slow down for a bird! You know they fly, right?

Bernadette: You suck so hard!

Bernadette: (Shouting at another driver) Your kid might be a honor student but you're a moron!

Bernadette: Faster, faster, faster! Do you not know that word? It means more fast!
Leonard: Stop yelling at me.
Bernadette: Hey, you'll know when I'm yelling at you.

Leonard: Do you think Penny's mad at me?
Bernadette: Because you're in the right lane behind a bus and you won't go around it? I'm sure she finds it charming.
Leonard: No, because I didn't want her on my team.
Bernadette: I'm starting to think she dodged a bullet. The slowest bullet in the world.

Bernadette: Hey, Romeo. Repair your relationship on your own time!

Bernadette: They're here first. This is because you made me slow down for that blind guy.

Bernadette: How do I put this? She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part. Or a cat, or a willow.
Leonard: I can't believe she would say that about me.
Bernadette: If you're gonna cry about it there's tissues in my purse. Unless you got some in yours, big willow.

Bernadette: Howie, the estrogen is getting absorbed by your skin. That's why you've been all bloated, moody and a giant pain in the ass.

Bernadette: You know, one of the things that helped me get through Howard being in space for so long was getting married before he left.
Penny: Bernadette, sweetie, shut up.

Bernadette: I've got a sexy new tube top that says come hither and a bottle of pepper spray that says close enough, Jack!