Howard Wolowitz Quotes Page 3 of 77

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Quote from the episode The Communication Deterioration

Howard: First take a picture with me.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, Raj and I always talked about learning how to make cocktails like this together, so I taught myself and I'm putting this on Instagram so he can see it and feel like a turd. Say cheese!

Quote from the episode The Pants Alternative

Sheldon: I see. I assume since the rest of you have set the bar so low, you're saving the most impressive contribution for last. Go on Howard, dazzle me.
Howard: Well, my power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problem. And that's 24/7 buddy.

Quote from the episode The Conjugal Conjecture

Raj: Can we take a moment to discuss that I just lied to the government for you?
Howard: Yeah, I would not have done that for you.

Quote from the episode The Bakersfield Expedition

Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?
Leonard: No, that can't be right.
Howard: Maybe "Thor's Hammer" is a new color of nail polish.

Quote from the episode The Anything Can Happen Recurrence

Raj: Hey, listen to this. Murder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the thousand-plus horrors that await.
Howard: I just helped my mum out of the tub, so I'm one slippery horror ahead of you.

Quote from the episode The Space Probe Disintegration

Raj: Before you finish, is this a story about patience or waiting, or just another reminder that you went to space?
Howard: A story can do two things.

Quote from the episode The Plimpton Stimulation

Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Quote from the episode The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

Rajesh: Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Rajesh: Yes, well, we Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.

Quote from the episode The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the '-tator'.

Quote from the episode The Lunar Excitation

Leonard: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographical location.
Wolowitz: It's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called "Please don't leave me", while Penny had just moved to the island of "Bye-bye!"

Quote from the episode The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, "Hey Ma, what's for dinner?"

Quote from the episode The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem

Penny: Whats Sheldon's deal? Is it girls, guys, sock puppets?
Howard: We operate on the assumption that Sheldon has no deal. Though we have many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: What?
Howard: I believe that one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and spilt into two Sheldons.

Quote from the episode The Junior Professor Solution

Sheldon: You shot your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don't think I can do that again.

Quote from the episode The 21-Second Excitation

Penny: Okay, help me out here. How does an archaeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.

Quote from the episode The Jiminy Conjecture

Howard: What's the matter, you chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not by nature at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: Okay, I believe the chicken made you his bitch.

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