Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?
Leonard: No, that can't be right.
Howard: Maybe "Thor's Hammer" is a new color of nail polish.

Raj: Before you finish, is this a story about patience or waiting, or just another reminder that you went to space?
Howard: A story can do two things.

Raj: What do you say, Howard?
Howard: I say Vegas baby!
Raj: What are you gonna tell your mother?
Howard: Sea World baby!

Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: It's fantastic. Unbelievable!
Leonard: See what?
Howard: (Putting in DVD) It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Howard: (Imitating Stephen Hawking) It's before he became a creepy computer voice.

Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks. Even when I have to pee in the morning and you're in there spending an hour on your hair.
Howard: I love that you're too good to pee in the kitchen sink.

Sheldon: I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.
Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly is just like regular. Except the money is in rupees and instead of hotels, you build call centers. And when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.

Rajesh: Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Rajesh: Yes, well, we Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome.

Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face-to-face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, "Hey Ma, what's for dinner?"

Penny: Whats Sheldon's deal? Is it girls, guys, sock puppets?
Howard: We operate on the assumption that Sheldon has no deal. Though we have many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: What?
Howard: I believe that one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and spilt into two Sheldons.

Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Sheldon: You shot your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that gonna be on the test? Because I don't think I can do that again.

Leonard: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographical location.
Wolowitz: It's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called "Please don't leave me", while Penny had just moved to the island of "Bye-bye!"

Howard: 1. I lost my virginity to my cousin, Jeanie. 2. It was my Uncle Murray's funeral, we were all back at my Aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen. 3. To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed. Oh, cousin Jeanie.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but-
Leonard: Don't tell her.
Sheldon: We're playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Aww!
Howard: What do you mean "Aww?" Like she didn't know we were nerds?

Howard: Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?