Amy: Guys, come on, I think I'm in trouble.
Howard: It's no big deal. I used to get called into H.R. all the time. Ms. Davis is great. Pro tip: if you find strong women sexy, do not say it out loud.

Howard: "Once upon a time, there was a little astronaut who was sitting in a rocket waiting to go to space. And while all the other astronauts laughed and joked, he stayed quiet, because he had a secret. He was scared. He had another secret, too. He was only pretending to be scared to trick the alien king."
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Fine. There was no alien. [chuckles] There was a bossy wife, though. We'll get to her later.

Bernadette: I'm just a wife that is so proud of her husband, and doesn't think that he has anything to be embarrassed about.
Howard: Oh. You're sounding less and less Jewish.

Bernadette: But the real story was so sweet. The little astronaut was afraid, but he still went to space, and that's what made him brave.
Howard: [scoffs] But in space, the other astronauts made fun of him, and that's a thing he doesn't want to relive.
Bernadette: I get that. I guess it would just take a really brave man to put an embarrassing story like that out into the world, just so it might help some frightened children not feel so alone.
Howard: Wow. That is quite the guilt trip. Are you sure you're not Jewish?

Bernadette: Howie, what I liked about the other story was that it was real. I mean, nothing in this actually happened to you.
Howard: So, it's a children's book. I mean, cats don't wear hats. And if someone gives you green eggs, it ends with you on the toilet trying to make a deal with God.

Howard: So what do you think?
Bernadette: I think if you were in space without a shirt on, you'd die.
Howard: Oh. No, I am wearing a shirt. It's just skintight, so you can see my pecs.
Bernadette: When did you get pecs?
Howard: Yesterday, when I made Stuart add them.

Howard: Well, look, what if we made a few changes?
Stuart: Uh, sure, yes. What-what do you have in mind?
Howard: Well, nothing major. But see here on the cover, where it says "frightened little," what if, I don't know, it didn't say that?
Stuart: So, it would just be The Astronaut?
Howard: Yeah, you're right. That doesn't quite pop. What about The Brave Astronaut? See, that's got some zip to it!
Stuart: Okay.
Howard: And here on this page, where I'm crying. What if, instead, I'm punching a meteor into the sun with my bare fists?
Stuart: So you have superpowers?
Howard: I like the way you're thinking.

Stuart: Uh, Bernadette said you weren't crazy about the book.
Howard: No. It's great. I just don't want anyone to ever see it or read it or know it exists.

Howard: Hey, sweetie, I heard you were afraid of the dark. I know someone else who was afraid of the dark once. Your daddy, when he was in space. And just like you, I was wearing a full diaper.

[Halley crying]
Howard: I'll go talk to her.
Bernadette: I don't know why she's suddenly so afraid of everything.
Howard: Honey, remember, she's my child, too.

Bernadette: Why does she even want to have scientists on?
Sheldon: Uh, silly question. Who else will give her audience causal explanations of natural phenomena?
Howard: I love you, honey, but think.

Howard: That's time.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Can we do one more?
Howard: I think these guys need to get some food.
Sheldon: By pushing a lever at the end of an obstacle course that we design?
Howard: No, by opening the door to a hangar and letting the airplane fly in.

Bernadette: Hey, Howie, everything okay?
Howard: Yeah, everything's great. I was just wondering if we had any large barbecue tongs.
Bernadette: Uh, bottom left drawer. Are you guys grilling?
Howard: Nope, just playing games with the kids.
Bernadette: Why do you need tongs?
Howard: Love you, too, bye.

Raj: Hey, this one we can do with both Michael and Halley. It's called Grabby Hands.
Leonard: Wasn't that your nickname in high school?
Howard: No, it was Mama's Boy. But the joke was on them, because I love my mom.

Amy: You know, these experiments are pretty harmless. There's one where you just put the baby in front of a mirror and you watch them watch themselves.
Raj: That sounds adorable. Let me see.
Sheldon: How come when she talks about experiments on babies, you think it's adorable, but when I do it, everyone gets upset?
Leonard: I think I can speak for all of us. You're just creepy.
Howard: No offense.