Raj: They're my friends, and I should be happy for them. And I'm trying, but all I feel is this gnawing, empty sensation in my gut.
Stuart: I had that once. Turned out it was a tapeworm.
Raj: Cool.

Raj: I'm just saying, you should bow out.
Stuart: Why should I bow out?
Raj: Uh, because we all know how this is gonna end.
Stuart: That's what my doctor said, too, but I'm still here.

Raj: Hey, Stuart, I see you're getting ready for your Halloween party.
Stuart: Yeah, it's my annual attempt to meet women. Ninth time's the charm.

Stuart: I'm, uh, I'm running a special today, uh, buy something, keep having a comic book store to come to.

Stuart: So, you and Ruchi?
Raj: Yeah, I'm sorry. I know you liked her, too, but we just bumped into each other last night and hit it off.
Stuart: No, that's fine. You're my friend and I'm happy for you.
Raj: Oh, thank you, Stuart.
Stuart: Plus, I don't know how you're gonna screw it up, but I know you will.
Raj: What's there to screw up? She just wants to keep things casual.
Stuart: Oh, great, that's how you're gonna screw it up.
Raj: Hey, I can be casual.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. I should get a haircut. This thing's going south fast.

Leonard: I can't believe we forgot about it.
Howard: It's not that surprising. They were basically worthless when we got them.
Leonard: I wish I knew how much we had.
Raj: Sheldon, you must remember.
Sheldon: Of course I do.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, he and I totally remember. You tell them, Sheldon.

Stuart: Don't stress about this party. She's one; she's not gonna remember. The other day I showed her her toe, and she was shocked.
Howard: It's not for the baby; it's for Bernadette. She's feeling guilty about all the stuff she's missing with Halley.
Stuart: All right. Uncle Stuart's got your back. Ain't no party like a Stuart party because Stuart's never invited to parties.

Stuart: Well, if you really don't want to use your brother, I'd be your best man.
Sheldon: Really?
Stuart: Yeah, we're friends. Plus, it'd be nice. Never really been called the best before. Or a man, for that matter.

Leonard: Stuart, I'm sorry if it's weird Sheldon made me best man instead of you.
Stuart: It's okay. I was best man for two whole days. No one can take that away from me. Except for Sheldon, when he did.

Stuart: Well, tonight's my date with Penny and since we haven't been able to connect by phone...
Leonard: Yeah, I'm sorry, it's been broken.
Stuart: Or e-mail.
Leonard: Yeah, that too. Everything's broken.
Stuart: Anyway, I was just wondering if you had any last-minute advice.
Leonard: All right, well, off the top of my head, I think the most important thing with Penny is to go really slow. I mean, glacial.
Stuart: Okay.
Leonard: You know, guys come onto her all the time, so, you need to, like, set yourself apart. You know, be a little shy, don't make too much eye contact. And, you know, treat her with, like, cool detachment and, you know, fear.
Stuart: Fear?
Leonard: Yeah, like, you're afraid that if you touch her, she'll break.
Stuart: Well, that plays right into my wheelhouse.

Stuart: Yeah, last night at dinner, I did what you told me, I went really slow, I kept my distance, and two bottles of wine later, we were making out in my car.
Leonard: Wine? I didn't say to give her wine.
Stuart: It doesn't matter, that's where it all went to hell.
Leonard: During the kissing? What did you do, sneeze in her mouth? I did that to a girl once.
Stuart: No, everything was good and really hot, and I said “Oh, Penny,” and right where she was supposed to say, “Oh, Stuart,” she said ... your name.
Leonard: Leonard?
Stuart: That is your name, right?
Leonard: Yeah, no, yeah, wow, I'm sorry. That must've been the last thing you wanted to hear.
Stuart: Well, it beats "You know I'm a dude, right?" Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Stuart: If I were you, I'd go for Fables number one. The artwork is sophisticated, it's intelligently written, and it doesn't objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: Ooh, Thor! He's hot.
Stuart: Yeah, he kind of is.

Bernadette: Bye, my babies, I love you.
Stuart: (high-pitched) We love you, too, Mommy.
Bernadette: Yeah, don't do that.

Amy: Where you off to?
Stuart: El parque.
Amy: El parque?
Stuart: I'm learning Spanish so I can talk to the other nannies.
Amy: How's that going?
Stuart: Bueno.
Amy: Good?
Stuart: Oh. No bueno.

Stuart: How are you ladies doing? Raise your hands if you're bueno. Me llamo Stuart Bloom.