Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on whole wheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and Roast beef with swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.
*The guys look at Sheldon*
Sheldon: It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.

Penny: Ok, here's the deal. You either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or, so help me God, I will go into your bedroom and I will unbag all of your most valuable mint condition comic books. And on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy face.
Sheldon: You can't do that. If you make a mark on a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?

Sheldon: The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one.

Penny: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Howard: (to Leonard) Go ahead. Tell her about your senior prom.

Toby: Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Toby: The Phillipines: 1992: The Subic Bay Naval Station: A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions, mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitoes. Desperate and alone, he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God. But instead introduced him to a gin-pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot, and snort his pain away?
Sheldon: Don't forget genetic predisposition towards addiction.
Toby: That's never been proven.
Sheldon: There have been studies.
Toby: Not double-blind studies!
Sheldon: How could there be double-blind study? Who would be the control group?

Sheldon: Virgin diet cuba libre please.
Penny: OK.
Sheldon: In a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Oh I'll wedge it right in there.

Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a Venn diagram that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets 'no longer want my time machine' and 'need $800'.

Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that youre going through a bit of a career crisis, you're searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully.
Sheldon: All right.
Leonard: Go away!

Penny: Ugh, I cannot believe Christy let Howard into my apartment.
Sheldon: And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes. But on a more serious note, it's 8:13 and we're still not playing "Halo".

Penny: You keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
Howard: Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem. I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's 2 tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done.

(Sheldon repeatedly knocking and saying Leonard's name)
Leonard: Ugh, this would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath!

Sheldon: 1234 is not a secure password.

Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Penny: Son of a bitch!
Leonard: Penny's up
Penny: You sick, geeky bastards!
Leonard: How did she know it was us?
Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Penny: Leonard!
Leonard: God this is going to be bad.
Sheldon: Good bye, Honey Puffs. Hello, Big Bran.