Amy: What's up?
Leonard: Penny's been talking to my mother like they're best friends, and it's kind of freaking me out.
Amy: Okay I'm pretty sure they're not best friends. 'Cause you can only have one best friend. And Penny has that, and (clicks tongue) it's me.

Leonard: Oh, really? Is she FaceTiming with you right now? Because she's FaceTiming with my mom, and believe me, that is not a face you want to spend time with.

Leonard: Penny doesn't know how manipulative my mother can be. Did you know there's such a thing as reverse, reverse, reverse psychology? Because there is.

Sheldon: You know, studies have shown that people distracted by emotional issues are poor drivers.
Howard: What about people distracted by irritating passengers?
Sheldon: That would be hard to test, because irritating is a subjective quality.
Howard: Strongly disagree.

Howard: Then why don't you ever drive yourself?
Sheldon: Honestly, I barely passed my test. And the one time I drove on my own, I made a U-turn, got dizzy, threw up and walked home.

Howard: Let's get going.
Sheldon: Are you gonna be this mopey all the way home?
Howard: I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: There any chance you'd be cheered up by an amazing trigonometry riddle? (silence) Well, if you can't answer that, there's no way you're gonna get this riddle.

Raj: Oh, hey, hey, what do you think?
Bernadette: Just because it's a boy, I don't think you need to put a picture of genitals on his shirt.
Raj: But that's a baseball bat with two little baseballs. Okay, and now I see it.

Raj: You don't know what this little boy's gonna be like. Maybe he'll be rough and tumble, or maybe he'll be sweet and sensitive, or maybe he'll be all those things, like me.

Sheldon: Reason number 13 to feel good: as a launch, it was bad, but as an explosion, it was glorious. Reason 14: you still have all your fingers, and boys prefer a dad with fingers.
Howard: Thanks for trying, but you're not gonna be able to cheer me up.
Sheldon: Well, how about this, then? You quit your whining before I give you something to cry about, young man.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Those are comforting words my father would often say.
Howard: Did it help?
Sheldon: I turned out great. You tell me.

Howard: Sheldon, what am I gonna do? I mean, what do I know about raising a boy?
Sheldon: What do you know about raising a girl?
Howard: Oh, my God, you're right.
Sheldon: Well, I don't know if that was sarcasm or not.
Howard: So, either you're welcome, or hey!

Penny: Leonard, did you really just text me from the couch to put extra mustard on your sandwich?
Leonard: I was worried you might not check your e-mail.

Penny: No, I think she's lonely. She's been reaching out.
Leonard: Okay, just be careful. You think you're getting close to her, and the next thing you know, you're featured in a book called He's Doing It On Purpose: Raising a Teenage Bed-Wetter.

Penny: You know, she's been opening up about her life, and she's actually been really supportive about mine.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. I've been telling her about my job, and she said she was proud of me.
Leonard: Well, that's great. Never told me she was proud of me. Even when I stayed dry for a whole month.

Penny: Do you not want me to be friends with your mom?
Leonard: Well, let's be clear. I-I married you to hurt her. You're kind of ruining it.

Penny: Oh, uh, hey, Beverly, you called my phone, not Leonard's.
Beverly Hofstadter: Actually, I was hoping to speak with you. Is this a good time?
Penny: Uh, that depends. What time is it where you are?
Beverly Hofstadter: Uh, just after 5:00.
Penny: (clears throat, and swaps fruit juice for a bottle of wine) Yeah, that counts.