Leonard: So, I've narrowed it down to three worthwhile projects, but I only have the money to fund one of them. Lucky for you, I have a solution.
President Siebert: I can't wait.
Leonard: You free up more money and I fund all of them.
President Siebert: Mm, no.
Leonard: Or, hear me out, yes. That way, everybody's happy.
President Siebert: You can't make everybody happy.
Leonard: I think I can.
President Siebert: You can't.
Leonard: Well, actually-
President Siebert: You're making me unhappy.

Leonard: Okay, what would you do?
President Siebert: I'd find some sap and put him in charge so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.
Leonard: That's a really good id-- Oh.

Amy: Whatcha doin'?
Penny: You scared me.
Amy: I'll ask again. What-cha doin'?
Penny: Nothing.
Amy: Really? You and Bernadette aren't doing stuff without me?
Penny: What? No! Why would you even say that?
Amy: You know how your talent is getting just drunk enough to have a good time without being hungover the next day?
Penny: Thank you.
Amy: Well, mine is knowing when I'm being excluded.

Penny: I'm just running some errands.
Amy: Yeah? With a bag full of wine?
Penny: I got to stay hydrated.
Amy: Try again.
Penny: Okay, look, I'm sorry. We did not mean to leave you out. All right? Bernadette has been feeling fried at home, so we ended up hanging out in Halley's playhouse.
Amy: Like a secret club?
Penny: No! Just, like, a place to spend time that we don't tell anyone else about.
Amy: And what would be a shorter way of saying that?
Penny: (quietly) Secret club.

Amy: I'm in a secret club! Shh! Is there some sort of humiliating initiation? 'Cause I would literally do anything.

Doctor Lee: Oh, Dr. Hofstadter, did you have a chance to look over my proposal?
Leonard: I did, and your research is fascinating. I had no idea that crows were that smart. Do they really hold grudges?
Doctor Lee: They do. One of them escaped from my behavioral study a year ago. I can't prove it's him, but something craps on my car every day.

Leonard: Well, l-look, I only have enough money to fund one request, but your project is definitely in the running.
Doctor Lee: Okay, but, uh, when do you think you might make a decision? Because I have to upgrade their cages before they learn how to open the locks. When I came in to my lab this morning, they suddenly got silent. I think they're planning something.

Barry Kripke: Whoa, whoa, whoa! So you're just gonna give the money to your friend? I smell a rat.
Doctor Lee: I work with rats, too. That might be me.

Leonard: I'm not just giving it to my friend, Barry. Your proposal is also in the mix.
Howard: Wait, so those are the three? You're not even considering mine? Why, because they're PhDs and I'm just an engineer?
Leonard: No, because they wrote detailed proposals, and you sent a YouTube clip of the guy from Jerry Maguire saying, "Show me the money!"

Howard: I can tell you're stressed. If it helps, I withdraw my proposal.
Leonard: It doesn't help.
Howard: Fine. Then I'm back in the mix. Show me the money!

Leonard: Okay, I just- I need everyone to back off. I'm in charge here, and I'll decide when I'm ready to decide.
Raj: When will that be?
Leonard: A day, a week. I don't know!
Raj: Where are you going?
Leonard: I don't know that either!

Penny: Oh, you should have seen him, denying things left and right. It was so sexy. 'Course, I made a request he did not deny.
Bernadette: Uh-huh.
Penny: Are you listening to me?
Bernadette: Yeah, sure. You slept with your husband.

Penny: What is going on with you?
Bernadette: It's not a big thing. Have you ever told Leonard a little white lie?
Penny: Mm. Well, he thinks I've seen every one of the Star Wars movies, but I've really only seen the one with the gold robot.
Bernadette: That could be any of them.
Penny: Exactly.

Bernadette: I've been telling Howie that I've had to work late the past couple nights, but really, I've just been hiding out in Howie's playhouse. Does that make me awful?
Penny: Awful? No. Uh, strange? Yes. Sad? A little, yes.

Bernadette: It's just that work's been crazy, and the minute I get home, I have two kids hanging on me, and sometimes I don't want babies pulling my hair and pinching my belly fat.
Penny: That'd be a good slogan for a condom company.