Howard: Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
Raj: I am not breaking up with her.
Howard: All right. Let's keep thinking.

Bernadette: So where does Leonard think you are?
Penny: Oh, I told him I was at yoga.
Amy: Well, you are stretching the truth.

Penny: Where does Sheldon think you are?
Amy: Oh, Sheldon's kind of like a dog, he doesn't really think about me when I'm gone, but he's so happy when I show up.

Raj: Thanks for letting me come over and hang.
Howard: So Leonard still hasn't made a decision yet?
Raj: No. And I've really been laying on the guilt.
Howard: Did you break out the sad eyes?
Raj: You mean these bad boys?

Raj: Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out in there all week.
Raj: Really? Why?
Howard: I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work. And, frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some downtime.
Raj: And you just pretend like you don't know?
Howard: Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. (laughs) Someday, she's gonna find out. I'm gonna say, "Ha-ha! I know you've been hiding in the playhouse."
Raj: Why don't you just get the life insurance?
Howard: Whose side are you on?

[in the playhouse:]
Amy: Can you hear what they're saying?
Bernadette: Shh, I'm trying.
(cork pops)
[in the hot tub:]
Howard: Huh. Sounds like Penny's in there, too.

Raj: Seriously, Leonard, you didn't pick my project?
Leonard: I'm sorry, Raj.
Howard: Did you go with Crow Lady?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You gave the money to Kripke?
Leonard: I did not.
Raj: Wait, I'm confused. I thought there were only three projects in contention.
Leonard: There were. But, at the last minute, someone submitted an application for a pretty cool europium-doped laser, and they made a very compelling case.
Howard: What was the case?
Leonard: Oh, that it was me and I wanted it.
Raj: You-you can't do that. You can't just fund your own project.
Leonard: Uh, it turns out I can, and I did.

Sheldon: Interesting. What about not wanting everybody to be mad at you?
Leonard: Well, I realized that, no matter what decision I made, people were gonna be mad at me. And this way, I get a laser.
Sheldon: That is the most selfish thing you've ever done. I'm proud of you.
Leonard: And I don't care.
Sheldon: Yes, you do.
Leonard: Yeah, I do.

Leonard: The europium laser is so cool. It has a four-level f-f transition which provides for high power output, and its quantum efficiency is off the charts.
Sheldon: What are you going to use it for?
Leonard: I have no idea.
Sheldon: Leonard, there's a crow on your roof.
Leonard: I see it.
Sheldon: Is that one of Dr. Lee's crows?
Leonard: It has a tag on its leg.
Sheldon: Don't make any sudden moves.
Leonard: Smart. Let's stand perfectly still and-
Sheldon: [running away] He's the one you want!

Sheldon: Leonard, you've been losing to me in three-dimensional chess for many years. You know what would be neat? If this was some sort of long con and one day you say, "Let's make this interesting," put money on it, and reveal that you actually know what you're doing. [Leonard makes his move] A very long con indeed. Checkmate.

Leonard: Sorry. I'm distracted.
Sheldon: Ooh, aren't you the hustler.
Leonard: No matter who I give the funds to, someone is gonna be upset with me.
Sheldon: Do you really care if people are angry at you?
Leonard: Of course.
Sheldon: Interesting. Why don't you go to the store and get me some tapioca pudding or I'm gonna be angry at you.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: So it comes and goes?

Leonard: How do you not care what people think of you?
Sheldon: It's easy. I mean, not "beating you at chess" easy, but what is?

Leonard: Wait, you can make this decision. You don't care if you upset people. You can pick for me.
Sheldon: I certainly could.
Leonard: Oh, great.
Sheldon: But I won't. I think this is a learning opportunity for you.
Leonard: Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I upset you?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Ask me how I feel about that.

Penny: Someone's making decisions.
Leonard: I'm reviewing these proposals.
Penny: Yeah. 'Cause you're the boss man, telling people what's what. I like it.
Leonard: (whining) It's just so hard! All-all three of these proposals have merit. How do I choose?
Penny: Well, not with that voice.

Leonard: There has got to be a right decision based on empirical evidence. Look, I made pros and cons lists, and then I came up with three different scoring systems to determine the best project. I just don't know what scoring system to use. So I'm working on a meta-scoring system to score the scoring systems, but the math is really complicated. You want me to walk you through it?