Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard: I did it last night, I'm not doing it again.
Howard: Just his head, right?
Leonard: I don't want to talk about it. You didn't catch bugs from Penny's chair.
Sheldon: Yes, I did. And now they're cavorting at the base of my hair follicles, like dancing hippies at the Redwood National Forest.
Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I have ever done that.
Leonard: How about the time you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced that North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced that you started growing again.
Sheldon: I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

Penny: What's the word, hummingbird?

Penny: What's the gist, physicist?

Leonard: You know, some people might say that it's great that we're trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like, love is stronger than the miles between you.
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

Sheldon: I miss the days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

Howard: When you say making it work, does that include doing the cyber nasty?
Leonard: What?
Howard: You know, the virtual pickle tickle. The digital bow-chacka-bow-wow.

Raj: Come on dude, that's my sister you're talking about.
Howard: Hey, Leonard jiggling his junk at her through a webcam has got to be easier for you to deal with than him actually touching her with it.

Howard: Well, if you don't, you're gonna lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.
Raj: How can you be so racist?
Howard: Oh, come on, tell me I'm wrong.

Leonard: All right. Shirt coming off. Ta-da! Man nipples.

Sheldon: Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

Dr. Koothrappali: Hello, Leonard, if I may also say your name.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Oh, uh, Priya's calling in a few minutes on Skype, and we are gonna have a dinner date.
Sheldon: It’s eight o'clock in the morning in Mumbai. How can she have dinner?
Leonard: Fine, whatever. Priya will be having breakfast.
Sheldon: All right, so technically it's not a dinner date. I suppose you could call it a, uh, dinfast date. But if you did, you'd open yourself to peer-based mocking, such as, "Hey, Leonard, how was your dinfast with Priya last night?"
Leonard: That doesn't sound like mocking.
Sheldon: You didn't let me finish. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

Sheldon: Are those soy-based candles?
Leonard: I don't know. Why?
Sheldon: Paraffin candles may contain carcinogens. Unless lung cancer is the ambiance you were going for at your dinfast. Dinfast (rolls eyes).

Leonard: Listen, I don't want to be rude, but Priya's gonna be calling any minute, so...
Sheldon: Oh, yes, Priya. Leonard, you know I make a point of never interfering in your personal affairs.
Leonard: Yes, I've always admired that about you.
Sheldon: As well you should. But I'm going to make an exception here.
Leonard: Oh, good.
Sheldon: Priya has moved back to India to pursue her law career. Instead of desperately trying to keep this intercontinental relationship alive, you could use that time to take up a hobby.
Leonard: A hobby?
Sheldon: Yes. I read recently about a fellow in Kansas with an enormous ball of twine. I bet you could give him a run for his money.

Leonard: You video-chat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there's the difference.