Leonard: So, you're going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?
Sheldon: That's a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labor.
Leonard: Not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, if I didn't think you could handle it, I wouldn't be asking.

Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jensen. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?
Alex: No, thanks. I'm fine.
Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone's smoking them. I think they're the best.
Alex: I don't do drugs.
Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They're not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice.

Sheldon: All right, so I see here you're from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you're summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn't cause any hearing loss.
Alex: No, of course not. How did you know about that?
Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind a binder) I trust you paid off those parking tickets.
Alex: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.

Leonard: You talk to Howard lately?
Raj: Uh, yeah, last night. He kept making me drop pencils for him. I got uncomfortable.

Alex: It's nice to meet you. I'm so excited to be working with Dr-
Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jensen. FYI, there will be no breaks.
Alex: I should probably get to work.

Howard: Hey, Bernie? Before you go, can you do something for me?
Bernadette: What do you want me to do?
Howard: Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you're serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil)
Howard: Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon? Hi. This came for you today. It's from your mom.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Penny.
Penny: M-hmm.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait, here. (Hands Penny a dollar bill) For your troubles.
Penny: Oh, boy, a whole dollar. Now, I can quit my paper route.

Penny: So, what's in it?
Leonard: Mmm, doesn't matter. Half the time, he just ends up playing with the box.

Sheldon: Yeah, it's journals and research papers I wrote as a child.
Penny: Aw, how cute. Is this like a diary?
Sheldon: No, that's my potty training journal.
Penny: Really, your potty training journal?
Sheldon: Yeah. And forgive my crude penmanship. I didn't start typing until I was six.
Penny: August 7, 8:42 a.m. This is humiliating. What was wrong with diapers?
Sheldon: There are some charts in the back where I kept track of shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Oh, disgusting.
Leonard: No, what's disgusting is he's still keeping track.

Sheldon: Yeah, the point is Higgs is being celebrated for work he did 50 years ago, so that got me thinking, perhaps I've already hit upon the idea that will win me my Nobel prize.
Leonard: I didn't know they gave Nobel prizes for making boom-boom in the potty.

Amy: I feel like I'm in high school again.
Bernadette: Yeah, doing the prom queen’s homework so she'll like us.
Amy: I know. It's finally working.

Penny: Now, ladies, we got a B-minus on this paper. I think if we put our heads together, on the next one we could get an A.
Bernadette: Uh, but we got you a B-minus on purpose to make it believable.
Penny: Believable? You saying I'm not smart?
Bernadette: No, no!
Amy: You're smart.
Penny: That's better.

Amy: How'd it go with Leonard?
Penny: I don't think he'll be making that mistake again.
Bernadette: Good.
Penny: So, I know this goes without saying, but if either of you tell Leonard you helped me rewrite this paper, I will beat you both with a bag of oranges.

Sheldon: I will play the word "at" for two measly points, throwing the game and thus securing my friendship with the smartest man in the world.
Howard: What are you waiting for? Hit send.
Sheldon: I can't. Losing on purpose is intellectually dishonest.
Raj: So don't do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but I want to be Hawking's friend.
Howard: So do it.
Sheldon: Oh, but if I do, I'll be a phony, a sellout, a Hollywood poser.
Raj: Then don't do it.
Sheldon: I won't. This feels right. My mother always said, to thine own self be true.
Howard: Good for you.
Sheldon: 'course she also told me that every animal in the world got on one boat, so what does she know? And send.

Leonard: Hang on. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We'll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.
Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing, and now we're not friends anymore.
Leonard: He's probably busy. You're worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I'm sure he'll play, and you'll see that everything's fine. My turn. I can't let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it's bad without letting her know that I read it?
Sheldon: Hmm. Beats me. Now, I know Hawking's not busy because I can see he's playing other people right now.
Leonard: Maybe since you're so good, he's taking his time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy school...
Sheldon: Wolowitz told me he's a big baby. But I didn't know that, and I played extract for 82 points. It's all Amy's fault. She told me to play it. I have got to cut her loose.