Bernadette: So, I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out, I started to dry off with what I thought was a towel but turned out to be Howard's mom's underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Bernadette: Why do you have a history textbook?
Penny: No, it's not a big deal. Just taking a class at the Pasadena Community College.
Bernadette: Thats great. I didn't know you wanted to go back to school.
Penny: It's just one history class. Look, I didn't finish college, so I thought I would give it a try.
Amy: Not to mention, your acting career is going south like Sherman. Read about it in your book.

Bernadette: Why would you be embarrassed to tell us?
Penny: No, I'm not embarrassed. I just didn't want anyone to know because I haven't told Leonard yet.
Amy: Why wouldn't you tell Leonard?
Penny: Because it's me going back to school, and he's gonna be all "You can do it!" and "How can I help?" and "I'm so proud of you". Ugh!

Bernadette: I just can't believe you could keep something like that from him.
Amy: You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can't think of anyone weirder?
Amy: I can, but she's sitting right there.

Penny: So, I was thinking how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard: The Harmony One was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the eleven hundred, which he knows is too big for my hand.

Penny: I wish I had some of that fire in my life. I mean, I want to care about things and get excited like you guys.
Bernadette: Well, there's no reason you cant.
Penny: You think?
Bernadette: Absolutely. All we need to do is spend a little time and find something you're passionate about.
Penny: Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work.

Penny: It's just, he's so passionate about so many different things. I just don't get that way. Do you?
Bernadette: Well, sure. I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms. It was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.

Penny: Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
Bernadette: Well, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
Penny: Yippee, it's backwards. I get it.

Raj: Uh, Lucy's coming over. I need some advice.
Howard: However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.
Raj: Just tell me which one you think is more manly. This hockey jersey or this football jersey.
Howard: I don't know. Go with hockey.
Raj: Good, black is more slimming. Oh, that's her. I got to go be butch. Toodles.

Amy: I've come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.
Amy: All I'm saying is, we live in a world where closure isn't always an op...
Sheldon: -tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

Sheldon: Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win. (Amy wipes the board clean.) But we didn't finish.
Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.
Amy: And thats exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.
Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

Leonard: I think you'll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Oh. Well, that's like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

Howard: So take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
Raj: Why do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn't you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
Howard: The key to her heart. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John.

Leonard: With all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever. It even blows away my idea for a Star Wars themed coffee shop called Brewbacca's. You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the perfect show for the two of us. It's got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this. What do you say?
Penny: It's six thirty in the morning.
Leonard: I thought you grew up on a farm.

Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.
Sheldon: Oh, that's nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don't care how they end.
Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There's a whole field of behavioral neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don't have a problem with closure.
Amy: You sure about that?
Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy performs a knocking pattern but stops before completing it. Sheldon finishes it off.) That proves nothing.