Jesse: Hey, Stuart. I haven't seen you in forever. Look how grey you've gotten.
Stuart: My hair's exactly the same color as always.
Jesse: No, I was talking about your skin.

Jesse: How about you, Stu? Mocha, scone, directions to the nearest soup kitchen?
Bernadette: Hey!
Jesse: I'm just kidding. He knows where this soup kitchen is.

Stuart: You know something, Jesse. You may have a successful business and the kind of pink complexion that comes with good nutrition, but I have something more important.
Jesse: What's that?
Stuart: Friendship ... which I would trade in a heartbeat for all this.

Howard: Mineral and rock show? That would be awful even without Bert.

Amy: So what am I supposed to do now?
Raj: Prepare your uterus for his gigantic offspring?

Raj: So we tell him she's a lesbian?
Howard: Of course we tell him she's a lesbian.

Sheldon: I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies that they can draw water in through their genitals.
Penny: Yeah, well I don't think we're gonna get to do that today.
Sheldon: Too bad. It seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.

Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon: Well, to be honest I thought she said Yoda.

Sheldon: Where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait, what are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon for ever.

Jesse: You're back.
Bernadette: *Angry voice* Yes, I am. There's a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart's store is just fine. And he's a much nicer person than you are. And if you still have that comic I'd like to buy it right now.
Jesse: No problem. Want a latte while you wait?
Bernadette: No, I don't want a latte. I want a cappuccino and a blueberry scone.
Jesse: I only have chocolate chip.
Bernadette: Well that sounds even better!

Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We're sorry Amy didn't want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.

Bert: You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common?
Howard: You're both into rock?
Bert: Yeah.

Bert: So, anyway, there's this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I- I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren't you?
Bert: Yeah.

Amy: That's very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That's what you all say. You just don't want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.

Bert: It's okay. I know I'm a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I'd love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It's a date. (Leaves Amy's office)
Amy: No, it's not.
Bert: Too late!