Professor Sharp: To be honest, his research never amounted to anything.
Raj: You were his colleague. How did your research turn out?
Professor Sharp: Great! This is the apartment you get when you win a Nobel.
Raj: You could be very frugal. I'm getting a little tired of everybody's sarcasm.

Penny: Come on, she's not that bad.
Dan: Oh, yeah? At the company picnic she yelled at me and my grandson for losing the three-legged race. He still calls her that mean kid with the big boobies.

Sheldon: The truth is, I can no longer balance a full time career, a popular Internet show, and a girlfriend.
Amy: And he really does have one, you jerks on the comment board.

Amy: After only 232 episodes.
Sheldon: 233 if we include the one somebody forgot to press record on.
Amy: You said you weren't going to bring that up.
Sheldon: And you said you pressed record.

Raj: You know, I thought cleaning out a dead professor's office was gonna just be boring, but then I found his dentures and realized it's also gross.

Howard: Don't feel bad. Some day someone will be throwing out your work, too.
Leonard: That someone was Sheldon and the day was yesterday.

Penny: Bernadette's just parking the car.
Dan: Oh good. Bernadette. Cute, sweet, vicious, little Bernadette.

Raj: So, what's up with you guys?
Howard: We're just saying all the things we love about each other.
Raj: Oh, like you and I did at couple's therapy?

Sheldon: I ordered it before you had surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.
Penny: Okay, that's morbid. Send it back.
Sheldon: I can't send it back. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."

Sheldon: Wow, I don't know which hurts more. My nose or my heart.

Amy: Don't be like that. You two need to talk this out.
Penny: Yeah, because you sound really funny.

Bernadette: I love that you take pride in your looks. Even when I have to pee in the morning and you're in there spending an hour on your hair.
Howard: I love that you're too good to pee in the kitchen sink.

Sheldon: Amy, you're a neruobiologist. Get in there and spray some Raid.

Raj: I'm sorry I'm so late. I was on the phone with my mother.
Bernadette: How is she?
Raj: Pretty good. She bought the book "Eat, Pray, Love", and used it to set my father's Mercedes on fire.

Sheldon: I assume this medical center's already treated the burns on your bottom from the recent pants fire.
Penny: Cause I'm a liar, liar?
Sheldon: That's for the Fire Marshall to determine.