Sheldon: And I'm sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can't find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.

Dealer: It's a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden.

Penny: Where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
Raj: You know he won't be looking at other girls.
Howard: Unless they're sitting on the end of his nose.

Bernadette: Ew, check out his tiny teeth. He looks like a man-dolphin.
Penny: Wait, if he's good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
Howard: (high-pitched) I love you, Amy. (dolphin sounds)

Amy: Aren't we being a little mean?
Raj: That's a fair point. We wouldn't make fun of someone like this to their face.
Penny: Look, it's Stuart!
Raj: You may want to leave the room.

Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.
Leonard: Will you stop with that already?
Sheldon: I'm trying not to attract attention.
Leonard: And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn't do that?
Sheldon: She said, "Buenas noches." What was he supposed to do?

Sheldon: What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don't have an Uncle Harvey?
Leonard: The dealer doesn't care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot.

Penny: Okay, does everyone remember the rules? If he's shirtless, one sip. Posing with a pet, two sips. Pet and shirtless, chug like it's your job.

Sheldon: He has glasses and I'm a know-it-all. We are not built for prison.

Dealer: But you ain't getting your money back.
Sheldon: You're taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.
Dealer: Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business.

Leonard: He wants more money.
Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That's all I've got on me.
Dealer: That's exactly how much it is.
Sheldon: Finally, something breaks our way.

Amy: It's going fine. It's mostly just been meeting people for coffee.
Raj: Wha?!
I thought we were all- Never mind.

Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
Stuart: Please be less than two.
Amy: Three.
Stuart: Damn it.

Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.

Leonard: Can you give us a minute?
Barry Kripke: Take your time. I'll walk out backwards for dramatic effect.