Howard: Maybe that's what this whole thing's about. You're not mad at me, you're mad at yourself.
Raj: No, I'm mad at you. I hate myself, but I'm mad at you.

Raj: So, uh, we're meeting for coffee like two adults. Everybody's happy. Easy peasy.
Bernadette: Are you gonna tell Emily?
Raj: Yeah, of course. We have no secrets.
Howard: When are you gonna tell Emily?
Raj: He lied about the cream cheese! He ate the whole thing! I saw him!

Barry Kripke: Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.
Leonard: That's not why we're here.
Raj: Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.
Howard: And maybe a little Princess Bride.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!

Emily: If it makes you feel better, you're not the wierdest guy I've met off the Internet.
Raj: Well, give me a chance. You don't even know me.

Bernadette: Ready to call tech support?
Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who's reading from the same manual I have.
*Raj's phone rings. Sheldon, Howard, and Bernadette stare at him in shock*
Raj: It's my father, you jerks.

Raj: It's true. You're both gorgeous. Kinda says something about the man who could bed you both. *Laughs* (To Emily) You get why I've been alone most of my adult life?

Professor Sharp: To be honest, his research never amounted to anything.
Raj: You were his colleague. How did your research turn out?
Professor Sharp: Great! This is the apartment you get when you win a Nobel.
Raj: You could be very frugal. I'm getting a little tired of everybody's sarcasm.

Raj: I don't know why he's grumpy. I got mistaken for that guy in Life of Pi once, I'm still floating.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is not a big deal. It's a little white lie, everyone does it.
Raj: Not me, I'm a 100% honest in all of my relationships.
Howard: And how single are you right now?
Raj: Eating-cake-on-the-toilet single.

Leonard: You know, when Sheldon gives you homework, you don't have to do it.
Raj: In fact, it's better if you don't. Otherwise, it makes the rest of us look bad.

Sheldon: Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?
Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.

Howard: Let me get this straight. So, he kills this girl's father, cuts off the guy's face, and is wearing it as a mask while he makes out with her.
Raj: I'm just gonna say it: that's not okay.

Penny: You told Emily we hooked up?
Raj: Well, in my defense, I tell everybody.

Raj: I was Googling that girl I've been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he's Indian? And he's an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what's going on, don't you?
Raj: Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.

Raj: What started as a pap smear turned into a date, which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred which continues to this day.