Raj: How come I wasn't part of this deal?
Sheldon: You had left the refreshment stand in prder to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.
Raj: So, that's how it works? I have a teeny bladder and I don't get a hot girlfriend.
Howard: Yeah, Raj, that's how it works.
Raj: Damn!

Lucy: I'm kind of broken.
Raj: That's great. I'm broken, too.
Lucy: Oh, no you're not.
Raj: Oh, I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer, I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
Lucy: Well how do I know you're not just saying that?
Raj: Go out with me on one date. I promise you, you'll see.

Bernadette: When does Anu come back from London?
Raj: Next week. But it's been good, you know? Really given me a chance to focus on myself.
Howard: How's that going?
Raj: I didn't like what I saw, got in my car, drove over here.

Raj: I feel like I've been called down to the principal's office. Although I wouldn't mind if Brown Sugar suspended me. From a sex swing. (Looking at his flask) This may have been a mistake.

Raj: I plan on leveling up in the game, not my swimsuit size, thank you very much.

Raj: And does Sheldon know you're dating Sheldon?
Amy: (To Raj) I'm sorry, who are you dating?
Raj: Yeah, knock it off, Howard.

Raj: I can't believe I bought my soul mate at Glendale Galleria.

Raj: I was on the radio, once. I called in to Fever 104 FM New Dehli and was the fourth person to say the phrase that pays: Fever 104 (speaking Hindi).
*The guys stare at Raj*
Raj: That means "Fever 104: Home of the really good current music."
Raj: It's much catchier in Hindi.

Raj: Later, losers!

Raj: As I'm sure you're aware the quickest way to a man's heart is through his -
Penny: Pants. But Leonard said sex doesn't count.
Raj: You poor thing. You have one arrow in your quiver and you just can't use it.

Raj: Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
Howard: Only without the sex.
Raj: Yeah, literally none of it.

Howard: Still lives with his mom? Yikes, right?
Raj: Yeah, I'm not quite sure how to respond.

Raj: What is wrong with you, Penny? You ruined any chance I had of getting back with Lucy. Now she knows I'm a desperate mess instead of being pretty sure.
Raj: *Checks his phone* It's Lucy. She wants to meet for coffee. I LOVE YOU PENNY!

Raj: Well, I would never leave you off my list. And not just because without you we're playing fast and loose with the word "list".

Raj: You think your thoughts are pure gold, but let me tell you something they are pure caca.