Raj: He'll have a Shirley Temple.
Sheldon: And don't be chintzy with the Shirley.

Sheldon: This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.

Howard: Our culprit is one Mr. Todd Zarnecki, 2711 Ocean View Road, Carlsbad, California.
Sheldon: The name and the address drip with evil.

Amy: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is isolating the part of your brain where the memory is stored and destroying it with a laser.
Sheldon: Hmm, no. One slip of the hand and suddenly I'm sitting in the Engineering Department, building doodads with Wolowitz.

Penny: Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that either.

Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?
Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn't start talking, we'll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.
Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.
Sheldon: I don't care! I'm losin' it, man!

Penny: Okay, well, anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up!
Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succor to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
Penny: Just say thank you.
Sheldon: I thought I just did.

Howard: Whoa! Somebody's auctioning off a jewelled ostrich bridle!
Sheldon: No. Glenn's was leather. He was a simple ostrich. Is! Is, I haven't given up hope.

Amy: Is there anything I can do to help?
Sheldon: Yes. I want you to be in charge of our wedding. Just you tell me where and when, and I will show up with a boutonnire and close-toed shoes and a a Star Trek uniform underneath my tuxedo. That last part is non-negotiable.

Leonard: So you need these people's support and you're sending them baked goods?
Penny: Yeah, they're pretty smart. Don't you think they're gonna realize it's just a bribe?
Sheldon: No, you'd think, but sometimes brilliant people can be painfully oblivious to social cues.
Penny: Thank you for pointing that out, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Anytime.

Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

Sheldon: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, Little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, Purr, purr, purr.
Amy: That helps.
Sheldon: Shh, I'm singing.

Penny: (On the phone) Mrs. Cooper, hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. Hey, hold on. Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: Mommy, I love you. Don't let Spock take me to the future!

Sheldon: Wait a minute! You're not going to do anything?
Police Officer: Mr. Cooper, theres nothing-
Sheldon: Doctor Cooper.
Police Officer: Seriously?
Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.
Police Officer: Fine. Dr. Cooper. I'm sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn't have jurisdiction in Pandora.
Sheldon: That's from Avatar. World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun?

Sheldon: Aquaman? This isn't a gag gift, Stuart.