Leonard: Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I'm to participate in the social convention that is the "stag night," then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words and, yes, alcohol. Jeepers, that's yucky!

Leslie: I didn't know you eat here.
Sheldon: We don't, this is a disturbing aberration.

Sheldon: And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.

Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket clubcard. Do you have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?

Sheldon: Oh well, there were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.
Leonard: That's true.
Sheldon: *Goes to grab phone* Son of a biscuit!

Sheldon: There's Amy. I just know you're gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense.

Leonard: Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it's not.
Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy's gone, and you two are married now, so it's only a matter of time before you're gone, too.
Penny: Okay, you don't know what's gonna happen.
Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you'll want more space and you'll move into a house. And then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it'll only be a couple of times a month. And then it'll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz.
Or-or-or like when Koothrappali's weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body.
Or Amy's wedding, where she's marrying someone better than me.

Sheldon: I can just picture them right now at Feynman's house. Probably discussing Schrodinger, and at the same time not discussing Schrodinger.
See, they're missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

Dr. Lorvis: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up announced at her door.
Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.

Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

Sheldon: I call this meeting of the Council of Sheldons to order. Let's take roll. Science Sheldon?
Science Sheldon: Present.
Sheldon: Texas Sheldon?
Texas Sheldon: Howdy.
Sheldon: Fanboy Sheldon?
Fanboy Sheldon: Greetings.
Sheldon: Germaphobe Sheldon?
Germaphobe Sheldon: Say it, don't spray it.
Humorous Sheldon: Where's Jock Sheldon?
Sheldon: Not the time, Humorous Sheldon!

Sheldon: I just threw up on a whole lot of clowns.

Sheldon: I never told you about my brother's kidney stones. Do you want hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Sheldon: Well, she's due to tomorrow. But it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows.

Sheldon: Can't talk. Spit ball. Probably gonna die.