Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Leonard: I'm doing this to be a good neighbor. In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds.

Sheldon: You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they'll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Leonard: That's ridiculous. (Penny snores.)
Sheldon: No, (lowering his voice) that's ridiculous.
Leonard: (In a lower register) Fine. I accept your premise, now please let's go.

Howard: Don't just stand there. Slash and move, slash and move.
Leonard: Stay in formation.
Howard: Leonard, you've got one on your tail.
Leonard: That's all right. My tails prehensile, I'll swat him off.

Howard: Leonard, look out!
Leonard: Dammit man, we're dying here.
Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.

Howard: Sounds like your neighbor's home.
Leonard: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Don't forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you'd have an excuse to talk to her.
Leonard: Oh, right. Right, right, right, right.
Howard: Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.

Sheldon: Penny for your thoughts.
Raj: What's the matter.
Leonard: No, I'm fine. Penny's fine, the guy she's kissing is really fine and...
Howard: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Howard: I'm a romantic.

Sheldon: Please don't tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Leonard: No, I'm not jealous. I'm just a little concerned for her. I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Howard: Because he looked better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.

Leonard: Well, I'm done with Penny. I'm going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
Raj: Like who?
Leonard: I don't know. Olivia Geiger?
Sheldon: The dietitian at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I don't think you have a shot there.

Howard: I don't know, you guys work in the same lab.
Leonard: So?
Howard: There are pitfalls. Trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm ... a bit of a self-taught expert.
Leonard: Look, Howard, if I were to ask Lesley Winkle out it would just be for dinner. I'm not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Howard: Oh, then you're probably okay.

Leslie Winkle: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o' noodles.
Leonard: Pfff, I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone.

Leslie Winkle: What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie Winkle: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, etc, yes.

Leslie Winkle: Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean, kiss you now?
Leslie Winkle: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie Winkle: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Leonard: Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?
Leslie Winkle: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.

Leonard: Good afternoon, Penny. So, hi, hey. Uh, I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Penny: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Leonard: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Penny: Supper?
Leonard: Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.

Leonard: How do I look?
Sheldon: Could you be more specific?
Leonard: Can you tell I'm perspiring a little?
Sheldon: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely.

Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn't join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.
Sheldon: Why would I join you?
Leonard: No reason.