Penny: I can't believe you have to fill out a preschool application for an infant.
Raj: Uh, the one at Caltech has a crazy wait list. I warned you, a lot of people apply when they're still pregnant.
Bernadette: Well, I didn't. I also skipped a birthing class to see Zootopia, so back off.

Sheldon: Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom. As long as that's not a urinary tract infection, that's a personal best.

Leonard: You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I've been holding onto this for a few years, but maybe now's the time.
Howard: We can just lock the door; you don't have to kill him.
Leonard: You can't kill him; he'll just respawn at the last save point.

Leonard: At least it's quiet when he takes bathroom breaks.
Howard: I know. That's why I keep refilling his water when he's not looking.
Leonard: You're kidding.
Howard: I don't care if we're in a drought, it's worth it.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.
Howard: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I am looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.
Leonard: That's great, but the Air Force approved the specs. We're good to go.
Howard: Yeah, it doesn't need to be smaller.
Sheldon: Shame on you. Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I'll tell you. We would have the standard and the miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which by the way, is not an officially recognized breed, but that's just poodle politics.
Leonard: Can we please stop talking about poodles?
Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars. Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.

Howard: Okay, I'm zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the micro-fluidic channel.
Leonard: Nicely done, Howard.
Howard: Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things.
Leonard: Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.
Howard: Those are just the things I say out loud.

Howard: Sheldon, we don't need to make this smaller. Your work is done. Go home.
Sheldon: I don't want to go home.
Leonard: Then go for a little walk.
Sheldon: Then what?
Leonard: Just keep walking.

Raj: You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.
Amy: It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.
Penny: Huh. So all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
Leonard: We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Penny: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?
Sheldon: I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Howard: Hey, is that any way to talk to your future husband?
Raj: Hey, I was being hypothetical, okay? I would never marry you.
Howard: Please. When you see the ring I pick out, you're gonna melt.
Raj: Yeah, right. Wait, is it rose gold? Actually, don't tell me. I want to be surprised.

Raj: Well, if you want to march in a fishnet crop top, you better lay off that dip.
Howard: If you didn't want me to eat it, why'd you put it out?
Raj: It was for the girls. They broke up with me. I don't care if they get fat.

Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?
Bernadette: Let's see. You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.
Sheldon: (To Howard) Keep filling this one with babies. She's good.

Penny: Look, we got really angry at each other, and you just got caught in the middle of it.
Leonard: And sorry about the suitcase.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you should be. Your socks were still in it. I had to throw it away.

Leonard: We owe you an apology.
Sheldon: Oh, it's fine. You needed a suitcase, I wasn't home, you borrowed a suitcase.
Leonard: That was six years ago. I'm talking about tonight.
Sheldon: Oh, well, I thought we were going in order.

Sheldon: Uh, guys, it sounds like you're getting angry again.
Leonard: That's because we are.
Sheldon: Yes! I don't need an emotion machine! I am one!