Bernadette: You know, I just read that a team at MIT developed a device that helps people read human emotions.
Leonard: And you think we can get those guys to reprogram Sheldon? Cool.

Sheldon: What are the reasons women reject Raj?
Raj: Can we not play this game?
Sheldon: Doesn't like games. That's one.

Leonard: You're not being very nice.
Sheldon: What? He said he was fine.
Howard: Sometimes people say things they don't mean.
Sheldon: Well, that's a paradox. If you meant what you just said, then that means you may not have meant what you just said.
Leonard: Careful, I saw this on Star Trek. Smoke's gonna come out of his ears soon.

Penny: Hey, boys. How's it going?
Sheldon: Well, I thought we were having a nice conversation, but it turns out, I was being offensive.
Bernadette: So, normal.

Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.
Penny: No. No, you don't, you really don't. I actually can't say "don't" enough.

Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon: We were discussing Raj's recent breakup and apparently, I was insensitive to him.
Raj: It's okay, I'm fine.
Sheldon: You d- Don't fall for it. He'll get you to compare him to a dead virgin, and suddenly you're the bad guy.

Sheldon: You sign here, date here. And, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you're accepting Leonard in "as is" condition.

Leonard: "Article 10, subsection C: If questioned, Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn't.
Other unacceptable responses include: 'It's nothing', 'Don't worry about it', and 'I said it's nothing, don't worry about it'."

Penny: "Article 8, subsection B: Leonard will restrict video-gaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home.
This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs."
Leonard: Does it really need to say that?
Sheldon: I did this for free, let me get a little something.

Leonard: Listen, we realized, that, uh we're facing some new challenges as a married couple.
Penny: Yeah. And there are a few things we need to stay on top of. So we thought it would useful, and I can't believe I am about to say this-
Leonard: Would you please help us make a Relationship Agreement? But one that's tailored to us. Okay? We don't need a bathroom schedule.
Penny: Although a rule about him texting me from in there might help with the romance.

Sheldon: Oh! Good, you're here. Are you still fighting? If you get divorced, do I get two Christmases?

Sheldon: There's a cucumber in my water.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Do they know it's there? Um, sh-should I tell somebody?
Amy: It's there on purpose. It's refreshing.
Sheldon: Interesting. The world's most boring liquid and the world's most boring vegetable. But you put 'em together, and bleh.

Howard: Then simply sit, spin, stand, stretch. Maybe in looser pants. Then step, grab, tiny pivot, pull, and you're there. (sighs) Easy, peasy, mac and (exhales) ... you get the idea.

Leonard: What do you say?
Sheldon: I get to write a contract? I say, let's get this party of the first part started!
(Amy enthusiastically laughs)
Penny: Do you really think that's funny?
Amy: It's in our agreement. I have to laugh.

Amy: Sheldon, why don't we give them some privacy?
Sheldon: Very well. Hey, later, we'll check out the minibar. I'll show you how Godzilla gets drunk.