Howard: Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: And this is my friend, Raj.
Raj: Oh, I'm not on the patent. I'm just here because there's a bumblebee in my office.
Leonard: I saw it. It's big.

Howard: Do you have any advice for us?
Marty: Well, I don't know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is: hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don't sign anything.
Sheldon: "Don't sign anything"? That's your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you'd recommend that we leave that unsigned?
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: That's what you said.
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don't mean and meaning things you don't say.

Marty: Howard, why is he yelling at me?
Sheldon: All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?
Howard: Marty, let me call you back.
Leonard: Someday, when I'm up on murder charges, you'll be hearing from me.
Sheldon: You don't need him. I'll represent you.

Bernadette: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: What brings you by?
Penny: Oh, had to go to a sales seminar on our new sleeping pill.
Bernadette: Oh, how was it?
Penny: Great.
Bernadette: Fell asleep?
Penny: In, like, two minutes.

Penny: Are you still upset about people finding out you're pregnant?
Bernadette: I'm furious.
Penny: Sure, sure. Uh, did you ever figure out who told?
Bernadette: No. I confronted Barbara Chen, but she claimed she didn't know what I was talking about.
Penny: Hmm. Well, I guess it's just gonna remain a mystery, you know, like whatever happened in that seminar after they dimmed the lights. (laughs)
Bernadette: It had to be Barbara. I've been trying to figure out a way to get back at her. Do you think using her work computer to Google "how to be a prostitute" is over the line?

Howard: You know, maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer.
Leonard: That's not a bad idea.
Raj: Well, you must have someone in your family that's a lawyer.
Howard: Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying, "Hey, you're Indian. Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"
Raj: My cousin does work in a call center.
Howard: And my cousin's a lawyer.

Sheldon: We don't need Howard's cousin, no. We have me.
Leonard: You're not a lawyer, Sheldon, you're just a know-it-all.
Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I'm a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they're wrong.
Leonard: That's the definition of being a know-it-all.
Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.

Penny: Oh God, I feel so bad, I just lied to her.
Amy: Oh, but you did it so well. That's amazing! It's like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.

Howard: Give me a second to call my cousin.
Sheldon: I don't see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.
Howard: First of all, he's in Boca Raton, which is better than Fort Lauderdale. But more importantly, he lasted two days on Jeopardy, so he's clearly a smart guy.

Marty: Hello.
Howard: Hey, Marty. Thanks for talking to us.
Marty: Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me.
Howard: Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we're even.

Bernadette: I'm worried about Howard. Ever since that guy from the Air Force showed up, he's been a nervous wreck.
Penny: We work at a giant pharmaceutical company. Get him some anti-anxiety meds.
Bernadette: He won't take any pills that aren't chewable and shaped like a Flintstone.

Bernadette: I don't believe this.
Amy: What's wrong?
Bernadette: This guy from the office just congratulated me on being pregnant.
Amy: You did already know, right?

Bernadette: Did you tell anyone?
Penny: No, you told me not to.
Bernadette: I bet it was Barbara Chen in retrovirus. She might have heard me throwing up one morning. Every since she got the hearing aid, she thinks she's so great.

Amy: Why don't you want anyone to know?
Bernadette: 'Cause I'm up for a major immunotherapy study, and if they find out I'm pregnant they might give it to someone else.
Penny: Would they really do that?
Bernadette: I know they would. They did it to Barbara Chen last year when I told everyone she was pregnant.

Raj: Yeah, this military guy showed up at Howard's door. He was terrifying.
Sheldon: Oh no, what did he say?
Raj: He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.
Sheldon: That doesn't sound terrifying.
Raj: Not to a white guy born here, no. To a brown guy whose name has a lot of syllables in it - terrifying.