Howard: Then why don't you ever drive yourself?
Sheldon: Honestly, I barely passed my test. And the one time I drove on my own, I made a U-turn, got dizzy, threw up and walked home.
Howard: You really want to drive?
Sheldon: It seems like the perfect time. The roads are straight, there's no one around, and you don't seem to care if you live or die.
Howard: Live, Sheldon. I want to live.
Sheldon: That makes things a little trickier, but I'll do my best.

Howard: Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?
Sheldon: Well, as the saying goes, those who can't, teach.

Bernadette: One of the great things about being pregnant is drinking cranberry juice out of a wineglass and watching people freak out.

Amy: I thought we agreed on June 15.
Sheldon: That's the day after Flag Day. Everyone'll be partied out.

Sheldon: Why can't there just be one week each month for famous people to die?
Amy: Well, they've already arranged to die in threes. What more do you want from them?

Sheldon: Well, I found the perfect wedding date.
Amy: That's terrific!
Sheldon: No, it's not. It was May 19, 1996. We would have had a lovely wedding. And our honeymoon would have coincided with the first appearance of the Hale-Bopp comet.
Amy: Sheldon, you were 16.
Sheldon: And in Texas. No one would have batted an eye. Oh, wait, it's no good. That's the day that Jon Pertwee, the third Doctor Who, died.
Amy: And it's in the past.
Sheldon: Hey-hey, I said it's no good. Just let it go.

Stuart: I can't believe you went behind my back!
Raj: Which clearly means I want this more!
Stuart: You want to play a game of "who's more desperate" with me? 'Cause you're in the big leagues now, Bucko.

Amy: You know, ever since I was a young girl, I've dreamed of a June wedding, maybe on a cliff overlooking the ocean at sunset.
Sheldon: Sure. Sounds wonderful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean up. (To himself) Outdoor wedding. I know what I'll be using that cliff for.

Howard: We're going to see Richard Feynman. Penny, Richard Feynman is an iconic phys-
Penny: I know who he is. Leonard dressed as him for Halloween last year.

Amy: You're right. We both do important work. I'm trying to map the structures of the brain and you're trying to convince people that itchy hair is a real thing.
Bernadette: It is a real thing! It happens to be a side effect of our cholesterol drug.

Amy: I'm just saying that my research may actually change the world forever.
Bernadette: I hope it does. 'Cause I'm going to see that world from a yacht so big you could land a helicopter on it!

Amy: The more I told him about my lab, the pissier he got. You know what he said to me? He said, "I hope all your correlations turn out to be specious."
Bernadette: He said that to your face? What a dick.

Bernadette: You know, there's so much money in pharmaceuticals, we don't even wash out our old test tubes. We just throw 'em out and get new ones.
Amy: I just got a brand new, state-of-the-art fMRI machine.
Bernadette: Whoa, those things are so expensive.
Amy: I know! Sometimes I just lie down in there and take a nap. It's like a million dollar bunk bed.

Bernadette: At the office, I have two assistants! I don't even know their names. I just call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Amy: I don't have assistants.
Bernadette: I guess that's one of the benefits of being in the private sector. That and all the money I make!

Amy: Yeah, you've got that. I've got my integrity. Hard to say which one is better without making you feel bad. I may not be making as much money as you, but at least I'm doing something that I know makes people's lives better.
Bernadette: Hey! My work makes peoples lives better. Especially if you have moderate to severe eczema and don't mind if you lose teeth.